Dear Advice Chick,
I have this man who has me so confused. We used to be together a long
time ago, and then he got locked up. Before that we had stopped talking for
awhile. He comes home from the joint and finds me, and I'm thinking
damn this is crazy that he even came looking for me. I didn't think we was
on it like that. Well now we are involved and I'm doing all I can to keep
him happy, but he is a changed man. I understand that prison can do that
to someone, and he keeps saying how he can't get over the fact that I
never tried to find out where he was or tried to come see him.
Well he has just been treating me like I ain't nothing and I am not a
weak woman by any means so like right now we're not even really on speaking
terms because of the way he acts toward me. He still calls me though
saying stuff like, “I still belong to him, and I can't be with
anyone else but he can do whoever and whatever he wants.“ It's just crazy and I
really care about him but I don't know if I should stick around and hopefully
he will return to the man that I once loved, or just let it be and move
on.
I'm saying it's not like I don't have other options but I feel like I owe
him this much sometimes due to the fact that I didn't look for him or
even try to keep in contact with him while he was locked up. I just don't
know what to do. Maybe you can help me.
Advice Chick replies,
You don’t owe him jack. You and he had stopped the madness BEFORE he
did some dumb isht and got himself locked up. Stop accepting any
responsibility for his mistakes. You’re not confused; you’re conFUKKED_UP in the
head over a nuthin_azz_nukka.
Let that fool know that the Jedi Mind Trick only worked, “a long time
ago in a galaxy far, far away.“ You don’t belong to him, therefore you can be
with whomever the hell you please. You mentioned other options and I suggest
you exercise them immediately.
Dear Advice Chick,
I am a woman in my 30’s. I am coming out of a 4 year relationship
with a man 8 years my junior. Admittedly, this was just the latest in my long
line of "I can change him" scenarios with men. The major difference is
this young man never called me out of my name, nor attempted to lay
his hands on me, an attribute I cannot associate with any of my other long
term relationships. He was good to both of my children, and he and my
father even got along intermittently.
There were a few major no-no's:
he couldn't keep a job;
he smoked too much weed;
he refused to
get his GED, or any skill that would help him succeed.
On the upside he helped keep the house clean, cooked, and helped with the kids. Now
that we are apart, he calls me during the hours of 1am and 3 am, and I refuse to
be a booty call, no matter how good the loving was, and honey it was some
gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood lovin! With the word on the street being he is not doing to well for himself and is back to living from pillar to post (a condition I "saved" him from) I believe the booty calls have ulterior motives, like a bed to sleep in at night.
I want to help, but have already established that this man takes my kindness for weakness. On the other hand I can't stand knowing that he is basically homeless, when I have room in my house, not necessarily my bed. What would you do?
Advice Chick replies,
I would re-evaluate my life and try to figure out why my self esteem is so damn low. I would ask myself, “self, why do I perpetually find myself involved with men who disrespect, use, and abuse me? Why am I trying to become the female `Captain save a ho`, investing and wasting precious time and energy on a man who doesn’t invest anything in himself?“
A male friend of mine used to say, “I can get sex from a desperate and lonely woman when I can’t get nothing to eat.“ It’s true. Some of us are so lonely that we put up with poor treatment, insults, put downs, and BEAT DOWNS, in order to be able to say, I got a man!
If you need help around the house hire a maid. Good loving is not an excuse for BAD living. Stop being a savoir. The fact that a man can lay big, hard, lead pipe to the na na is not enough. If he ain’t helping you, he is hurting you. There is more to life than "gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood lovin," bet that. Every morsel of food he eats at your table is a morsel of food taken from your two children. What type of examples are you showing them?
You’ve told me about a long line of failed relationships whereas you were trying to wave a magic wand and make leopards change their spots. Stop worrying about him. Stop taking his calls. At this point, he has nothing to offer you. Work on your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-respect. You, and your children deserve so much more. If you wanna talk, email me.
