Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
Are Your Actions an Example of Your Words?
Love Tip of the Week: You can never clean up someone else’s act, only your own. People don’t learn from what we say, they learn from what we do.
Hi Eve,
I really hope you can help. My eighteen-year-old boyfriend of six months has a “friend” who is twenty years older than him and is a really bad influence. My boyfriend is in and out of court because of the things these two have done. He had just gotten into detox, was getting himself back on track and taking some responsibility for what he has been doing, when he started hanging our with this guy and his junkie girlfriend again. I can’t talk to him about it, because he just things I’m jealous, but even though I love him and care about him, I can’t stand and watch him ruin his life again. I don’t know what to do. Please advice me.
Thank you.
Aloha,
The bottom line is that your boyfriend has to help himself, you can't make him and he doesn't sound ready, able or willing to change his life. We can offer the people we love support and encouragement, but not at the cost of our own quality of life. Hopefully, he will realize that his choices have consequences that are no fun—like being in court and losing your girlfriend. At some point, hopefully, he will realize that when he makes new choices, he will get different results.
While you can't stand to watch your boyfriend ruin his life with his choices, I bet your family can't stand to watch you ruin your life with your choices. You are seeing clearly how hanging out with the wrong people is having a negative impact on your boyfriend, but are you seeing what it is doing to you? Ironically, you are sending a mixed message to your boyfriend when you are telling him he shouldn’t hang out with people who are doing drugs and breaking the law while you, yourself, are hanging out with someone who is doing drugs and breaking the law. I would hope for you that you develop the same concern over your own life that you have for his.
Ask yourself what you want for your life and what you are willing to do about it. I am sure you see your boyfriend's great qualities, but how is being in a relationship like this effecting you? Is this relationship dragging you down, or lifting you up? Is this relationship supporting your life or hindering it?
Remember, what you see is what you get. If what you are getting is what you want in your life—drama, fear, confusion—hang in there. If instead, you want is a healthy relationship that is supportive of a healthy future, consider telling your boyfriend that you care about him too much to simply watch him ruin his life and you care about your own life too much to allow his choices to impact you this way. Focus on strengthening your self-esteem so that you know what you are worth and what you want. Then, only involve yourself in situations that support your goals.
I wish you the very best.
With aloha
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
