Dear Eve,
I’m speaking with a guy online but he lives sixteen from me by car. I’m really interested in him, but I’m scared it’s all going to be a waste of time because he lives so far. Should I just search for someone in my own city?
Hi,
It is always a good idea to start by searching in your local area and then, if that doesn’t yield the desired results, expand your search outward from there. Before you embark on a long distance romance though, it is wise to ask yourselves a couple of questions to make sure it isn’t “a waste of time”—for you or your potential partner:
Are you willing to relocate?
Is your potential mate willing to relocate?
Can you afford to make trips back and forth? How often?
If the best happens and you do fall in love, one or the other of you is going to have to move in order for you to be together. If that isn’t going to be possible due to work, children, proximity to family or simply preferred communities, then don’t bother striking up a romantic relationship with someone a long way away—as it will only lead to heartache. If, however, you can see yourself or your potential sweetheart moving, then by all means, move forward!
If you do decide to embark on a long distance relationship there are a couple things you can do to make it easier and more successful.
1. Communication is number one! Distance tends to require a much higher need for communication to combat the insecurities that can arise. Whenever a couple has reason to be apart, paying extra attention to touching base is critical—send notes, emails, instant messages and/or make phone calls daily! My husband and I spent five months on the phone before we were able to be together and we coined the process of getting to know each other “Intellectual Foreplay!” Simply said, this means “think first.” Ask questions, share your interests and values and explore each other intimately through communication!
2. Be careful not to assume anything—ask, talk, communicate, share! This is really important because the gap that distance creates tends to be filled in with our imaginations. If we call and he/she isn’t home, we start guessing where they might be—often inaccurately. The stories we make up seldom have a happy ending, so it is far preferable to get a reality check.
3. When you transition to a face to face relationship, keep the communication going! When we begin a relationship on a high level of communication, it can be quite jarring if and when that stops. Keep exploring each other’s thoughts and interests and sharing yourselves honestly, and you will be well equipped to create a healthy, dynamic relationship.
Long distance relationships do have some inherent challenges, but with a little forethought, the challenges can be overcome yielding great relationships!
With Aloha,
Eve
(How will I know when I have found Mr. Right)
Dear Eve,
How will I know when I have found Mr. Right. Everyone say’s I will know when
I find him. Is this true?
Hi,
I do believe that when you’ve found someone that is right for you, your voice of intuition will tell you. However, not all of us know how to recognize the voice of our intuition, so it is often still quite confusing. Rather, you may want to just simply look for a sense of inner peace about the decision to be with him.
Sometimes it is as simple as flipping a coin—if you got “tails” and that meant that he wasn’t the guy for you, would you flip again going for 2 out of 3? If so, you have already made up your mind!
With that said, however, I’d like to challenge the concept of “Mr. Right” or “the one and only” or even that of a single “soul mate.” I am quite sure that there are many, many people on the planet that we could love deeply and share our hearts, souls and life with. So, ultimately, I believe in soul mates, plural, rather than the concept of a single soul mate. It just makes sense if you think about it.
With billions of people on the planet, finding the only one that we are meant to be with could end up being like finding a needle in a haystack. And, if something happens to Mr. or Mrs. Right, does that mean we are destined to never finding a special love like that again? Certainly not! We see couples all of the time whose mates have died, and who were able to go on and find another wonderful partner to share life with.
What is more important than worrying about whether he is “Mr. Right” is considering whether you share a deep respect for each other, whether your interests and values are compatible or complimentary, and whether the lifestyle you would adopt if your were together is mutually satisfying. Unfortunately, love alone is often not enough. So we need to look beyond the “spark” for other, deeper things we share in common. That is one of the wonderful things about dating online—you can search for the qualities that you know are critically important to your relationship right from the start.
Since the future is pretty unpredictable, sometimes we simply have to take that “leap of faith” and give life—and love, our absolute best shot with no guarantees on the results!
With Aloha,
Eve
(What are some dating tips for someone with children?)
Dear Eve,
I’ve seen a lot of women online with children that I have found very interesting but for some reason I’ve always been scared away from women that have children. What’s the problem?
Hi,
I don’t see your concern as a “problem,” but rather something to be aware of about yourself. There is nothing wrong with the decision not to get involved with a woman who already has children, however, there are consequences. The consequences are that you are going to have to bypass a lot of really wonderful women (and children) in your quest for love. Depending on your age, this could narrow your field of opportunity considerably.
There is no doubt that a ready-made family brings some inherent challenges including time constraints, responsibility, and financial requirements. Ultimately, when children are involved, you’re not just developing a relationship with the woman, you are also developing a relationship with her kids, and there is also a high likelihood that the father of her children will be a part of your life as well. If you don’t feel like you can handle all of these additional considerations and responsibilities, then you are right not to start a relationship with a woman who has children. Ironically, if this is the case, you are doing her a favor by not pursuing her!
However, I do invite you to explore what it is that is bothering you because it may be something that, once you have clarity about it, simple communication and sharing of expectations can resolve for you. Perhaps you simply need to express your hesitation so that you and your potential partner can work to accommodate your needs. It is truly amazing what a good, honest heart to heart conversation can resolve. The most important thing is that you explore your concerns, what you want and what you don’t, so as to avoid the drama and turmoil that a lack of clarity can create.
The flip side of all of this is that entering into a relationship with someone who already has children has some inherent potential benefits as well—you may discover that her children bring tremendous joy to your life. In honesty, I have dated men whose children I continued to care about long after the relationship between he and I reached its maximum potential.
If you do decide to pursue a woman with children, know that they are the innocent bystanders here and deserve to be included, considered and cherished in the process.
With Aloha,
Eve
(What signals do people give off when they are attracted to another person?)
Dear Eve,
My friends say I should start approaching guys or I’m never going to meet anyone. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself so how do I tell if a guy is interested in me?
Hi,
Ultimately, your friends are absolutely right. In this day and age, there is simply no reason to be alone for long. There are approximately 86 million singles in the United States alone (and over 25 million singles online looking for love!) and they want to be contacted as much as you do! Keep in mind, guys are just as scared to talk to us as we are to approach them! If I hadn’t gone up and introduced myself to my husband when I first saw him, we never would have met. Waiting for someone else to make the move is no longer the name of the game. Taking proactive steps in favor of your love life, is!
One of the wonderful things about dating online is that there is an implicit understanding that everyone who has taken the time to post a profile wants to be approached! It is also understood that not everyone you approach is going to be right for you, nor is everyone who approaches you. It is much more difficult to tell who is available and looking in the face to face world.
As far as making a fool of yourself—I bet you don’t think that a guy is a fool if he asks you out, when you aren’t interested for whatever reason. Rather, I bet you are complimented by his interest. The same would hold true for you—rather than thinking that you are “making a fool of yourself” if a guy isn’t interested, figure that you are just paying him a compliment.
One of the critical pieces of contacting someone, is not taking it personally if they aren’t interested. Their reasons very likely have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, their past, their interests, etc. etc. Don’t take it personally—simply say “Next!” and move on to the other 18, 999,999 people dating online.
The clues that someone is interested online differ somewhat from the clues offline. Online, if they are interested, they will write back to you, carry on a conversation, ask questions, and ultimately set up a time to meet. If they are interested offline, interest tends to revolve around attentiveness—eye contact and body language—smiling, open posture (if you haven’t met yet), and communication—phone calls, emails and dates (if you have met).
When someone is not interested, they do not flirt with the eyes or words, they do not return phone calls or stay in touch in a timely manner, or say encouraging things. Generally, if you pay attention to how you feel, you’ll get a sense of how he feels—are you always wondering what he’s thinking, wishing that he will call, wondering how he feels about you? If so, he is either not very interested or not very skilled at showing his interest. In either case, take that as valuable information.
I wish you the best!
With Aloha,
Eve
(How do people with really busy life schedules enter the dating the stream?)
Dear Eve,
I’m 35 years old and have been single for the last 5 years and I can’t help but start to think it’s my fault because I am so busy all the time. I feel I’m a fun, caring, attractive woman but that hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere. Is there something I should know??
Hi,
Ultimately it may be a case of priorities. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life, as most of us do! By the time we reach our thirties and forties, most of us are juggling jobs, kids, and household responsibilities and trying to squeeze in exercise and sleep! It doesn’t leave a lot of time left over for looking for love, much less carrying on a relationship. However, it is a matter of priorities.
I suggest you begin by looking at your life and seeing what you are doing that doesn’t really need doing, what you can delegate, and what you can replace to make room for a love life. We all know that 20 minutes a day of exercise can bring tremendous results to our bodies. What if, instead of watching TV before going to bed, you spent 20 minutes a day honoring your love life—even while home alone?! Online dating has gained tremendous popularity, in part, because it allows us to “squeeze love in” wherever we can find the time.
While it can be time consuming to read profiles, email people and answer emails, it has proven to be far more expedient and efficient than the traditional face to face dating process. We can “virtually meet” hundreds of potential partners during the same amount of time that we might hope to meet one or two while out on the town. We can go online while the kids are asleep, or in 15-minute sessions, or while we “multi-task” with other things. We can read an email and then hold it in our “new mail” until we have had time to think about it. We can “date” in the wee hours of the night or morning, when we otherwise would not head out into the community with the hopes of finding a potential sweetheart.
Quantity is not the only benefit! In addition, the quality of the people is higher because we can search for people who have similar values and interests to our own, thus eliminating or reducing the number of unlikely candidates.
The bottom line here? If love is what you desire, you must choose to make it a priority. If it is important enough to you, you can make it happen. You simply need to make the decision that you are going to honor your love life—no matter what and then start simply, easing into it. Read the profiles for people in your area, get the gist of what makes an intriguing profile, and then fill out the membership questionnaire honestly and completely. Introduce yourself to the people who interest you—don’t wait for them to do it! If everyone waited for someone else to initiate contact, we’d be a world full of lonely people indeed!
Be proactive and share with the world the fun, caring and attractive woman that you are!
