Marriage. The most important job in the world and you are supposed to just figure it out on your own? Or perhaps just copy your parents even though you may not want exactly the marriage they had? Sounds crazy, no? People seek professional help on issues of health and taxes, but when it comes to life's single most important decision -- marriage! -- most people never consider expert advice. That's where I enter the picture. I'm the Dating Coach.
A Dating Coach? Yep. You know like football coach, baseball coach. A Dating Coach helps marriage-minded woman get married. No, "Dating Coach" was not my major at UCLA. Unfortunately a woman cannot earn a PhD. in dating from "The Department of Repeating the Same Thing Over and Over and Expecting Different Results."
I wanted to be in a relationship but didn't want to go through the dating. That's kind of like wanting to be a doctor but not wanting to go to med school. Dating was crazy making because no matter who you're on a date with you have to be that nice sweet perfect person! "Hello, a pleasure to meet you. So, what kind of work do you do? Oh, Amway? Door to door? How nice. And you're 52 and live with your mother? Lovely!"
Hey, you want to have a date with the Refrigerator? No, do you want to take a bath with a toaster? -- I remember dating when I was an NFL cheerleader. All the football players had nicknames. One time this great big football player came up to me and said, "Hey, you want to have a date with the Refrigerator?" I replied, "Hey, you want to take a bath with a toaster?"
But seriously, one of the hardest parts about dating is to admit that you're not getting the results you want. I wish I'd had someone to turn to for guidance on how to date differently and effectively. There is something ingrained in humans that if we "try just a little harder" we can make it work.
But haven't you had enough of, "What's your sign... Do you come here often... Here's my card, maybe we'll do lunch"?
I sure had enough. And now, as a happily-married woman with a portfolio of dating blunders, I'm able to share my experience to help women avoid unnecessary pain on their way to the chuppah. So without further ado, let's address some of the challenges that confuse women out there in dating land.
1 - The numbers game.
Usually when a man is interested, he'll ask you for your phone number, rather than first offer his number to you.
Don't let him get off easy. If a man hands you his business card, exclaiming, "Call me sometime," the red warning lights should start flashing. You should reply, "Oh, I always lose those things," which puts the ball back in his court. If he is genuinely interested, he'll make the effort to get to know you and ask for your number.
2 - Trust is earned.
One of the ways women get hurt is by making themselves vulnerable before they have enough information about the man.
The Internet has expanded our opportunities to meet people. However, one must be wary of a fantasy relationship. While dating online, a client of mine who lives in California was emailing back and forth with a man in Florida. He asked her, "Would you ever consider relocating here?" Sounds like a routine question, right? Well, not necessarily for a woman who is anxious to get married. She was so thrilled at the question that she was ready to say 'yes,' pack up and move!
By guarding her heart, she did not invest so much where she could wind up getting hurt.
Yet considering that he never inquired much about her life, let alone asked for her phone number, I suggested that she lay down her boundaries and expectations, in a feminine yet strong way. So when he again asked, "Would you ever consider relocating here?" I suggested she respond in her email by saying, "Oh, well the guy would have to be awfully special." This way she was still showing her interest and leaving all possibilities open.
It turned out to be a wise choice. The man from the Internet never came through with making plans to meet, nor did he even ask for her phone number. So by closely guarding her heart, she did not invest so much where she could wind up getting hurt. Soon afterward she met a man who was serious, and she is now happily married.
3 - It's usually best for the man to take the lead.
A man must do the courting and the work. Help him by setting your boundaries in a nice feminine way.
Why is it better for the man to be the pursuer? As a woman you don't want any lingering doubts if your husband is really attracted to you. I'm not just speaking about the physical; I'm talking about that it was his choice to approach you or continue the courtship after meeting you. This way you are not looking for that kind of reassurance through out the entire relationship.
Now imagine: You receive a call from a man you've been eager to go out with. He opens with, "So, would you like to get together sometime?" You say, "Great," and he responds with, "Alright, maybe I'll call you on Friday and see what's doing on the weekend."
You hang up the phone, excited. But wait, what just happened? Do you have a date or not? Was he simply checking your interest and availability in case his original plans fall through?
I hear about this all too often. I call it the "Non-Date / Date Phone Call."
Don't jump to conclusions before you have all of the information. His interest may be genuine, or it may not be.
Now let's replay the scenario. You're all excited that this man has called. "Would you like to get together?" You can nicely reply, "Oh, what did you have in mind?" -- not saying 'yes' until you have all the information.
Still not asking about a specific day, he says, "Oh, I was thinking about dinner. What does your week look like?"
Do not say 'yes' until you have all the information you need.
Still being careful until he asks you out for a specific date and time, you answer, "Oh, my week is kind of a mixed bag. What were you thinking?" Do not say 'yes' until you have all the information you need. This is how to guard your heart.
If a man hems and haws and plays the back-and-forth game where he wants you to be vulnerable first, just politely say, "Oh well, I guess it's not going to work out. I've got to run. Bye!" Either he will call you back with a specific date and time, or you move on. Do not fear that he is the last man on earth. A real marriage-minded mensch will either automatically treat you like the queen that you are, or with some boundary-setting on your part he will rise to the occasion.
The quicker you say 'no' to what is not right for you, the faster Mr. Right can come into the picture. The universe abhors a vacuum. Closing the 'no' door will open the 'yes' door.
4 - Caring for self.
There is a big difference between self-caring and selfishness.
Sometimes I will ask a woman to write down exactly what it is she wants in a husband. One woman said that she just wanted a nice Jewish man who would love her, and that she could love. I asked her to write down the ways that she loves herself, because the more loving one is with oneself -- emotionally, physically and spiritually -- the more one has to offer a mate.
Taking care of oneself is not selfish. As one of our great sages, Rabbi Hillel, said, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am for myself, what am I?..."
5 - To thine own self be true.
I find that the hardest part for women is "ignoring the red flags." Once you find yourself in a situation where a man is interested in marrying you, you must ask yourself, "Is this the right person for me?" The red flags that appear while you're dating, no matter how minor they seem now, will still be there -- and possibly intensify -- in the marriage.
Be aware of the man's routine behavior. For example, if while you are dating he only calls you once a week -- but insists that he is interested in marrying you -- you must ask yourself: Is this a man who cannot care about me the way I need, or is it that he is very busy and I can adjust? Be honest with yourself.
Be wary of twisting yourself into a pretzel for a man who may look good on paper only.
Maybe you notice that he has a fancy car, nice clothes and gorgeous house, but his dogs are constantly scratching and itching and not well cared for. Is this okay with you for a lifetime? What does this say about how he might treat you?
In Judaism we learn that there should be an attraction and similar morals and beliefs, and then after marriage is when love falls into play. The love comes from giving to each other. A woman should keep these ideas in mind and be wary of twisting herself into a pretzel for a man who may look good on paper only.
A woman must know her own bottom lines. A woman must know herself so that she'll be ready when her soul mate recognizes her. The best way to do this is to spend time learning about yourself.
No doubt, it's hard being single. And often the hardest part is the dating. So if you're serious about getting married, and your dating habits are not producing the right results, then as the Dating Coach, I urge you to make some important changes. Now. Because your husband is waiting for you.
The author is available as a dating coach for marriage minded singles. You can contact her at www.datingformarriage.net
