Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What values do you believe in?
Love Tip of the Week: Relationships—with other people as well as with yourself—are built on integrity. The more you keep your “Integrity Contracts” in tact, the better others will feel about you and the healthier your self-esteem will be.
Dear Eve,
I tend to be putting so much effort in my relationships and what I get is just not what I want. For instance, my ex just “dissed” me for another friend of mine because I told him lies at first and then I told him the truth later on. On the other hand, I feel that I have let everybody down because I have not done what is expected of me. Please help.
~~Concerned person
Aloha,
I am not sure what you question actually is, but it sounds like you are disappointed with your relationships—and with yourself. You feel like you have let others down because you have let others down.
We, as human beings, have an unspoken (or in some cases, spoken) “integrity contract” with others. It sounds something like this, “I agree not to hurt you or lie to you. I agree to treat you with respect and to honor my word.” With our parents the integrity agreement continues, “I agree to honor your rules while I am your responsibility. I agree to use my head and maintain my safety.” As spouses it goes on with some element of, “I agree to abide by our vows and be loyal to you.” With our friends there is often a clause that reads, “I agree not to hit on your boyfriend (or girlfriend or spouse) and won’t date your ex.” This integrity agreement is part of being human and isn’t even always a conscious agreement. However, when we break it, we feel it—on a soul level, just as we do when others break it with us.
When you feel disappointed in others, it is often because they have broken the integrity agreement with you—as your boyfriend did when he “dissed” (disrespected) you. When you feel disappointed in yourself, it is because you have broken the integrity contract you have with others (or with yourself.) In the situation you have described, you broke the agreement with your boyfriend by lying to him, thus disappointing both him and yourself.
We can mend broken integrity agreements, but depending on how badly we have damaged them, it can take some time to regain trust that has been broken. The first step is to acknowledge what you did that broke the agreement. People need to know that you know what you did that harmed them. Secondly, you need to recommit to the agreement by assuring them of your intentions to abide by the agreement. Thirdly, you need to accept the consequences for your behavior—which may be some sort of punishment (if it is your parents that you broke the contract with) or suspicion from the other person, or the loss of a friendship, etc. Even if you apologize and say you won’t do it again, the people you are in relationship with will likely need to watch for a while to see if your behavior is aligned with your words—and that you mean what you say. So fourthly, honor your commitment by doing what you say you will do and being thoughtful before you act.
I encourage you to develop and live by a personal code of ethics—rules that you have chosen to honor and abide by based on values that you deeply believe in. Decide what you stand for (love, honesty, integrity, forgiveness, loyalty, compassion, service) and then rather than “putting your effort into your relationships,” put your effort into living those values and guaranteed, your relationships will benefit and improve.
