Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
Fear Reveals Values
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you value that is hiding under your fear?
Love Tip of the Week: When a miner goes into a gold mine he must remove tons of dirt and rock to find even a single nugget of gold, yet he never, ever goes into the mine looking for the dirt. Treat yourself (and your friends/lovers) like a gold mine. Go in looking for the gold—the God—and that is what you will find.
Dear Eve,
I would like to find out really if it is possible to really discover true love as I have had a series of disappointing relationships. I really believe that there are honest people, but I have some very strong issues with trust. Is it possible that I have some self-esteem issues that are not yet resolved?
Hi,
It is not only possible that you have some unresolved self-esteem issues, but it is virtually a guarantee (but don’t worry almost everyone does!). “Trust issues” are just another term for “fear.” If you think about it a bit, you’ll see that your lack of trust translates to fear that people will let you down, that they will lie to you, that you will never truly have a real relationship or worse yet, fear that you can not handle whatever life presents you and that you are not powerful over your circumstances, but rather that you are a victim of them.
The “beauty “ of fear is that, if you look “underneath” it, fear shows you what you value—what is important to you. The trust issues listed above indicate that you value honesty, loyalty, lasting relationships and that you value your own strength and well-being. Your fear also shows you what you want to protect. This realization can help you find ways to strategize to honor and protect what is important to you instead of just honoring your fear.
A big mistake we often make is that of thinking that our trust issues are about trusting other people when, in actuality, if we trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life hands us and trust in God, (a Higher Power, Universal Wisdom, Holy Spirit…whatever you want to call It) to provide the perfect opportunities for the exact life lessons we most need to learn, then trusting other people is no longer the issue. Of course, it is important to aim to be involved with people who are honest and trustworthy. However, it is virtually impossible to control other people’s choices and all of life’s circumstances so if we rely on their trustworthiness for our well-being, we end up victims of other people’s choices. In addition, a whole host of things can happen to cause pain in a relationship like illness and death that the other person has no real control over.
Moral of the story? Strengthen yourself, your self-esteem, and set your Divine Anchor so that you know that no matter what anyone else says or does, you will be okay. Yes, you may experience hurt and pain, but when you deeply have a sense of your inner strength, you know you will heal, persevere and even thrive—and love—again.
How do you strengthen your self-esteem? Begin by looking at what you have already survived. Make a list of all the things that you have already had to endure and acknowledge yourself for the fortitude and strength required to handle the circumstances. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Take the risks to do the things that you are scared to do. Start with baby steps. Every time you survive and or succeed at something that is a stretch for you, you strengthen yourself.
Figure out what strengthens your spirit and do it regularly. Whether it is meditating, walking along the beach, walking a labyrinth, exercising, yoga, journaling, praying—whatever it is for you—do it often. Learn to recognize the voice of wisdom and strength (of God) within you and you will be able to handle anything. Trust will no longer be your issue.
With Aloha
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
