Fight Above the Belt

By Jeff Cohen, freelance writer (cohenwriting@aol.com)

Do you ever have one of those relationship moments with your partner where something small somehow escalates into an all-out fight? Let’s say you’re buying a new couch for the living room. You pop into a few stores looking for something that catches your eye. After three unsuccessful store visits, patience starts to dwindle. The next store you go into one of you points to a couch and say, “this will do, don’t you think?”

Now, keep in mind that in the grand scheme of dating, buying a couch really shouldn’t rank up there on the list of high-pressure relationship moments. But in this particular case, you’ve struck out three times at previous stores, maybe you’ve missed your typical lunch slot, and the traffic is mounting as you drive to each store.

For some odd reason this question from your partner makes you snap. You curtly reply “stop trying to just pick anything to get this task done; you’re always looking for the quick fix.” Your partner rolls his or her eyes and wanders away from the couch. Immediately you realize this shopping event has taken a turn for the worse. You walk after your partner to smooth things over but before you know it a zinger comes back your way… “At least I know how to make a decision without seeing every couch in the universe.”

Your thoughts of reconciliation hit the back burner as you get ready for an all-out relationship battle. Decision making has been called into question by both of you and nobody wants to back down.

This is what I call a relationship moment of truth. You can continue the downward spiral of name calling and development area pin-pointing, or you can halt the negativity. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done and many couples go down the wrong path for far too long. The end result can even be permanent relationship damage, particularly when you hit sore subjects from the past.

As a first step in these moments of potential relationship strife, I recommend physical contact. Nothing major, but at the very least try to hold hands or put your arm on your partner’s shoulder. This will immediately diffuse the moment as it’s hard to stay angry when a romance reminder is present. Secondly, look for an opportunity to drop in a joke to change the tone of the conversation. One example might be to say something like “you know you’re right, I did forget to look for sales on the planet Mars.”

The ultimate goal in these moments is to realize as quickly as possible that relationships always have bigger fish to fry. Letting a couch choice destroy you as a couple is a bad sign for tougher challenges like buying a new house, changing jobs, or raising children. The more you can keep life’s challenges in perspective the better your odds of being on the same team when bigger problems strike. That is what relationships are all about… staying on the same team in good times and bad.

Jeff Cohen is the author of the e-book, 30 Minute Guide to Online Dating. It's a must-read for anyone looking to master the art of online dating without wasting hours of valuable time. To learn more about the e-book and purchase a copy, please visit "30 Minute Guide to Online Dating".