Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is worth fighting for?
Love Tip of the Week: When you listen to yourself as you talk about your relationship, you will often find that you already know what to do. Trust and listen to your own wisdom.
Hello Eve,
I am writing to you because the man I love loves me and we are not together. In a nutshell, we grew up differently (upbringing, values, etc.), yet we love each other and couldn't make it work. We lived together for a brief period, but I just moved out. Why? We argued a lot. Bad conflict resolution, different parental expectations; I am educated, he's not. The main problem was his drinking. His mother drinks too and I feel a co-dependent issue going on. One night, the drinking got out of control and I got fed up. He believes he has his drinking under control. I feel it will only get worse and lead to living a life in a fog. Both of our parents do not condone this relationship. My parents believe I don't 'shine' with him. They believe I can do so much better with a different man. I personally want to work it out, yet don't want a life of discord with the lifestyle of his parents. I want to be married and he does too—ONLY if I accept him for who he is, drinking and all. I believe my boyfriend is not willing to see this problem in himself and is unwilling to change. What is repairable and when do you throw in the towel?
Please help!
Aloha,
So, you are wondering when to “throw in the towel.” Let me repeat what I heard you say: his drinking is out of control, he won’t change, neither of your parents approve, you argue a lot, the two of you aren’t good at problem solving, you have different core values and lifestyles and you have taken the monumental step of moving out. He says “we can be together if you accept me exactly the way I am” (which translates to “I do not want to nor am I planning on changing). And you say, “I feel it will only get worse and lead to living life in a fog”—which translates to “this is unacceptable for my life.” This, my dear, sounds not only like the time to throw in the towel, but as if the towel has already been tossed. Notice that you said "I want to be married...." but you didn’t say, "I want to be married to him". In fact, you didn't say anything in your entire letter about why the two of you should be together, except that you love each other. Here is the deal: love is not enough to keep a relationship together. My best guess is that you know that you have done the right thing by getting out, but you are dreading the time that is now needed to be alone, heal and move on. Trust Yourself—you have done the right thing. Know that you will heal and that the right relationship will come your way when you make the decision that you will accept nothing less.
In order to let the right relationship in, you have to let the wrong relationship go. So often people stay in the wrong relationship for fear of being alone or never finding anyone else. Those that do move on and create a healthier love are SO grateful that they didn't let fear keep them from progress. Why climb an uphill battle for this relationship, estrange yourself your parents and settle into a situation that is already unacceptable with no improvement in sight? You have made a bold big move to get out of this relationship. I encourage you to stick to that decision and allow a harmonious relationship without all this stress to come into your life.I never wanted to listen to my parents when they didn't like the guys I was dating, but in hindsight, they were right and able to see things that I could not. When do you know if a relationship can be repaired? When you know it should be—I don't think you think so.…
