Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: Are your integrity agreements in order? Are there any you need to clean up?
Love Tip of the Week: Other people will only honor your honor to the extent that you honor it yourself.
Friends With “Benefits” or Sex Without Friendship?
The other woman grapples with whether she’ll ever get “more” from her married lover.
Hi!
I really care for this man; we have good times for sex, but I would like more. He and his wife have grown a part! Do I play hard to get and tell him I may see someone else? Really, I can't have sex with someone else because I think of him! He only wants me for F.W. B. (Friends With Benefits)—for sex. But I get really lonesome when he is not around on weekends. I can't bring myself to break it off; I care about him so much.
Please Help!! What should I do to get him or leave him?
Thank you
Aloha,
So, what you are telling me is that this guy is married, he only sees you when he can get away from his wife, which is never on the weekends and you want more? The only thing worse is being his wife! Is that the "more" that you want?
Since you realize that this is going to be a "get him" or "leave him" sort of situation, instead of playing games, why don't you try telling him the truth? Why don't you tell him that you can't stand just having a sexual relationship with him, that you really want more, and see what he does?
If he leaves you because you want a loving relationship beyond sex, then wave good-bye and set yourself free as a wiser woman now, well versed in the "why not to have sex with a married man" lesson.
If he really has grown apart from his wife, and is really going to be breaking up with her, your honesty with him may help him gain clarity on his next steps. However, keep in mind that another committed relationship is often not what a guy wants when he is rebounding from a marriage.
What I would not do if I were you, is continue having sex with a married man. All the moral reasons aside, it just plain hurts—everyone. It hurts the wife, whether she knows or not. Believe me, on some level she knows. It hurts him because he is torn between two women and he is totally out of integrity. Being out of integrity hurts us at a soul level. This level is sometimes not something we are aware of, kind of like those whistles that dogs can hear but people can't; our souls know when we are “blowing it” and it causes damage at a deep level that is hard to heal and tends to fester later. And, obviously, it is not good for you. This is actually more like FWOB (friends WithOut Benefits) or SWOF (Sex WithOut Friendship), because you are being used, not getting any of the benefits of the relationship other than the sex (no time, no companion, so say in the matter) and you, too, are living out of integrity. While the spoken vows that are being broken are between him and her, we as human beings have unspoken integrity contracts with all other human beings. The "Integrity Contract" says that we agree to be honest, trustworthy and not to hurt each other. This integrity agreement is what allows us to do business with each other, drive down the street without the constant fear of someone hurting us on purpose, and it allows society to keep on functioning. It is those individuals who break the integrity agreement that screw the system up, and unfortunately, we have all broken it to some extent or another with someone or many people. Right now, you are breaking the integrity agreement with this man's wife (because the agreement also says that we will not screw around with someone else's spouse), and with yourself (because your actions are causing you pain.)
Now is the time to clean up your end of the Integrity Contract with the universe. Then, honor your “contract” with yourself. Don’t settle for situations that don’t honor what you really want and deserve.
