Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Under your ego, who are you?
Love Tip of the Week: When seeking that which makes you happy, turn your attention to what is permanent. Test it: Is this true? Is this real? Is this lasting? You will discover the only thing that falls in that category is your spiritual life—not things, people or money.
Get a Life!
Dear Eve,
I have a self-esteem issue, but don't know what to do about it. I am a Junior in college and seem to be really depressed, but I just don't know how to lift myself up. My boyfriend of two years goes to another school about three hours from my school and we go a few months without seeing each other, which is hard for me. He goes out with his friends and has a great time; I have friends here but none that you would call true friends. They don’t call me or come over when they say they will. I feel left out, lonely and like I'm losing him or that he is changing. I know that if we aren't meant to be together then we won't but I just don't know what to do about him or me. So if you think that you could help me I would really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
A girl that needs help
Aloha,
You bring up several issues in this brief letter: self-esteem, depression, a lack of close friendships, a sense of being left out and lonely, and managing a long distance relationship.
Ultimately, if you resolve your self-esteem issue, several of the other issues will get easier to manage as well or will disappear entirely. Self-esteem is much more than “just liking yourself.” Self-esteem is not ego-based, it is spirit based. By that I mean, when you peel away your ego, or your “small” personality, you’ll meet your spirit. Your spirit, which you’ve often heard referred to as “who you really are,” knows the world as abundant, love as never ending and unlimited and you as a capable, strong, powerful, creative being rather than a scared, lonely, depressed one. As you work to discover this aspect of yourself, you will no longer need to fear if your boyfriend leaves you as you will have a deeper, stronger, greater trust in your spiritual life and know that you can handle whatever life delivers to you. You will come to deeply know that every “lesson” is designed specifically to help you peel away your ego so that you can reveal and revel in “who you really are.” Telling you how to do this here, is difficult due to the limits of time and space, but resources for self-discovery are in every bookstore and all over the Internet—including in my books and on my web site. Make this your most important assignment while you are going to school and the entire rest of your life will be better for it.
Now, let’s look at your relationship. The fastest way to push this guy away is to give him a hard time for doing what you wish you were doing—enjoying life and having friends. If you want this relationship to stand a chance, you need to get friends, get involved and share your enthusiasm for your life with your boyfriend via the phone, email, letters and in your face-to-face visits. You are currently expecting your boyfriend to be your whole life and your only friend, which is too much to ask. If you want true friends, you need to be a true friend. Take responsibility for making your making your friendships stronger. Don’t wait for them to show up for you; start by showing up for them. If all you are doing is sitting home alone waiting for an opportunity to see or talk to your boyfriend, you’re going to become as uninteresting as you are bored—which isn’t a great attractive quality, as you can imagine. Start a relationship with yourself, find out what lights you up and what makes you stronger, happier and more passionate—aside from other people. It will serve all of your relationships and your friendships to get engaged with life. Get involved. Be of service. This will also combat your sense of loneliness and depression, as well. I wish you the best.
