Handsome But Still Single - What's The Solution?
"The Dating Coach"
by Elianah Mendlowitz


Gentlemen it's game time! And as all football fans know, in order to make it to the Super Bowl, you need a great coach. That's where I come in. I'm the Dating Coach.

If you've been in the Red Zone lately, but haven't put any points on the board, I think the moment is right for a TIME OUT… With playbook in hand, let's go over some practical advice. Quite simply, if you're not satisfied, and you're not exactly where you want to be in the search for Mrs. Right, it's probably time for a post-game discussion. Let's assess your moves and examine your approach so that you can now move ahead and put those days of futile dating behind you.

First of all, there's no doubt that that men have the toughest job of all. It's the man who has to pursue the woman, which means he could possibly get rejected, which can be a challenge. But if you really want to find her, you're probably up for the challenge, right? So let's make it happen. To win the Super Bowl or to marry your soul mate you need a successful game plan.

First, here are some keys to running a potent offense:

THE SHORT GAME

Listening

Okay. You're cute, you're smart, and you're accomplished and even though she knew it - she wasn't interested.
Why? Nine times out of ten, you didn't listen. I cannot tell you how often I see this. I'll see a couple on a date where the man is talking incessantly and the woman has a look on her face that says, "Hey!, When is it my turn to talk?" A woman is looking for a man with confidence who knows how to "bring her out" with intriguing questions. She doesn't just want to be desired - she wants to be heard! If you're doing a monologue, she's gonna tune you out and change stations. A woman wants to feel that she's special. Asking her questions and listening makes her feel like a princess. Which, in turn, makes you look like a knight in shining armor.

It's that simple.
Sometimes you gotta walk the walk, and sometimes you gotta please don't talk. If you think you may be carrying the bulk of the conversation on a date....you may very well be! Even though you are extremely talented, bright, and clever try to hide those facts for a few hours.

What not to say:

_ "So, what do you want to know about me? Ask me anything."
_ "Well, you're not talking, you might be shy so I'll just start telling you about myself. Anyway, I have two brothers...

Instead, try this:

_ "So, who are you? I'd like to know a little more about you."
_ "What's it like being the only girl in the family?
_ "Are your brothers very protective? Will I have to pass the test with them? Do they have a black belt in Karate?

So how do you learn to be a good listener? Many of us never really felt listened to, so we don't always know how to listen back. But it's really easy to fix this. Seek out a friend who is a good listener, have them listen to you and experience how great it feels to really be heard! Then try it. In my experience, most people don't really want answers to problems, they just need a kind ear and they come to their own solutions.
A client of mine liked this man she was dating but he was nervous, and ended up talking way too much. She tried to break it off but he kept calling. He realized that he wasn't "bringing her out" in other words, he wasn't concentrating on her. So in their next conversation, he talked less about himself and asked her questions. She was impressed and agreed to another date.
The next time they met, he again focused on her and asked her lots of questions about her life. And today, they are married.

The good news is that the biggest -and most common - problem is also the easiest to fix. Listening is always the key. It will totally change your game.
In sum, CHANGE YOUR FOCUS. Make the conversation about her.

Know Your Goal

"Sure I love to date but I'm thinking there's something more…?

Are you looking for a girlfriend, or are you looking for a life partner? If you're truly marriage minded, then you may need some more serious coaching.

Most of the men who contacted me were having physical relations with girlfriends, and or living together but not married. They admitted that they were not truly happy. They said their drive to "win" a woman over was missing. They said that they wanted to get married but not necessarily to the woman that they were living with or having relations with. Men you must think big picture and long term goal. In some cultures men and women do not touch while dating. One of the reasons for this is so that a man will come to see the woman as a spiritual being and not only a physical being. I know it may be a lot to ask of someone to abstain from touching altogether, if that has been their protocol, but ask yourself, Have I ever tried this? Is this working for me? Do I get stuck in long term relationships because we are use to each other physically but on other levels do not feel like the relationship could move towards marriage? If what you are doing is not working for you then make a change, even the smallest change can make way for an opportunity for growth.
Here is what a client did. He met a woman that he was interested in, and he told her the following, "I have been dating a certain way for 20 years and it has not produced the results that I want." "I find you very attractive and am interested in you." "I would really like to get to know you better and would like to put the physical part of our relationship on the back burner as we are getting to know each other." To make a long story short., he is now a happily married man to that very same woman, any woman of valor would admire and respect a man who said this to her.

Don't Be Your Own Tackling Dummy!

No matter how appealing and talented men are, many of them get frustrated and end up asking the question "What if it's me??"

Are your own insecurities preventing you from getting a touchdown? You don't think you're handsome enough, rich enough, or smart enough? ENOUGH! Self-knowledge is a very powerful tool.
What makes you valuable to a woman? Look at what you have to offer. What attributes do you possess that make you stand out? Are you fun to be around? Do you see the glass half full instead of half empty? Are you interested in learning about others?
I suggest you ask a friend who really knows you well to be honest with you. Whatever they tell you, don't beat yourself up. Instead focus on the great qualities that you already have that you can make better!" Spend most of your time improving what you already have, and a small amount of time working on areas you would like to improve.
One of the biggest fumbles men make is to not approach a woman that they believe is "out of their league." Any woman worth having will believe that "handsome is as handsome does" In other words, it is the man's behavior towards the woman that makes him appear handsome to her.

Remember: if you are dating a woman who's been single for awhile and wants to get married, she will not be looking for perfection. As you overlook some of her flaws, she will be doing the same. Just don't wear a brown tie with a blue shirt, or white socks and brown shoes.

RUNNING NEW PLAYS

Changing Game Plans
How can I meet her?

If you're not winning at this point in your life, you've got to make some adjustments. Going into the relationship game requires flexibility.

First off, be more aggressive. Where would your soulmate be today? Ask yourself if you are really looking in the most efficient, effective way. How are you going to find this person? She's probably not going to come to you.

We all know about personal ads, single events, and the Internet. Been there, done that! Run a different pattern, and do something that you normally wouldn't do. Stretch your comfort zone. If you've never gone to single events at your local Church or Temple. Go! If you never exercise, sign up for a hike.

All your married friends want you to get married. They're probably on to something. Stay in touch with them. Ask them for advice. Let your friends and family know you're looking to meet someone special. Now, I know how frustrating it can be when certain well meaning married people try to make matches. After going on a few of these set ups sometimes you end up wondering what they were thinking, "You two will make a great couple" look, "your breathing, and she's breathing"..."what's the problem?" But on the other hand if you can look at each date as great practice it will help you confirm what you are looking for in a soul mate. Never limit your game plan. And always be a gentleman on a date even if there's no chemistry between you two. Who knows? She may have a friend for you.

So you may be saying to yourself. So If I want to really get married the Dating Coach is telling me that I should, listen, stop having relations so quickly, and go to Church or Temple! That's right! Are you up for the challenge? Great!

In the Open Field

Once you meet someone, how should you approach them? The best way, is with a kind, sincere hello. If you are shy, start practicing by saying hello to everyone you meet, and asking them a question of interest about themselves. This will make it much easier for you when you meet your possible soul mate.

There's a story about a great Rabbi who use to leave for shul two hours early, so that on his walk, he would have ample time to stop and say hello and find out how his neighbors were doing.

It may sound trite, but without a good, confident, sincere "hello," you'll be stuck on the sidelines.

Fourth Down and Goal to Go
Okay, so now you've become a better listener, you've worked on a few of your weaker areas, and you've gotten comfortable approaching people. Now it's time to go for it!
But what if she doesn't' want to go out with you? I say, Great! Remember, whenever a "no" door closes, a "yes" door opens, and brings you closer to what is truly right for you. Be sure and ask yourself what did I learn from this experience that I won't repeat the next time? Every single dating experience can yield valuable lessons, great practice and probably show you where you want to be. Nobody ever said "I wish I didn't have all that experience" It only makes you a better, stronger and more appealing person. Plus, there's always another game next week, and if you lose this one, well, you might just go on a tear and win ten in a row! You can do it! You can do it! You can! You can!

Elianah Mendlowitz is a writer and Dating Coach. You can contact her at www.Datingformarriage.net
 

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