Intellectual Foreplay: Giving It Some Forethought
by Eve Hogan
There is nothing worse than being on a date and not knowing what to say or how to keep the conversation going. Just like anything else we want to be good at, a little forethought and preparation can serve us well. Think it through ahead of time—what do you really want to know about someone? What do you absolutely want to know before you would consider him or her a potential partner?
Standard Lines
We are all pretty familiar with the standard questions that are usually asked when two people meet or start emailing online: “What’s your name?” which is usually followed quickly by, “What do you do?” or “Do you live around here?” And, if we are wise, we try to find out early on whether someone is married or has a partner or a house full of kids. Usually we inquire about these things indirectly, with a question such as, “Do you live alone?” While these are excellent places to start, this is the point where most people stop asking and just start dating. As you’ll discover practicing Intellectual Foreplay, there is a lot more you can learn about someone (and yourself) by asking more questions!
The Variety of Questions is the Spice of the Conversation
There are several different lines of questions that can be explored with a new partner. Some are basic getting-to-know-each-other questions, such as:
What is your favorite way to spend your time?
What kind of movies do you like?
What sign of the zodiac are you?
What do you like about your job? What don’t you like about it?
Where did you grow up? What are your favorite memories?
What was your major in school? What do you enjoy learning about the most, now that you’re out of school?
There are also questions about lifestyles and responsibilities:
What would your ideal house look like? Where do you want to live?
Do you have pets? What kind and how many?
Do you pile things up, or do you have a place for everything and keep everything in its place?
What is your favorite kind of food? Do you have any dietary restrictions?
Then there are the questions that reveal our deep values:
What are your spiritual beliefs?
Where do you go to find tranquillity, solitude, or a connection to a Higher Power?
Are you happy with your health? What are your favorite ways to maintain or improve it?
Who are your closest friends, and why?
What’s your family like? Are you close to them?
How do you see yourself in the future?
In Intellectual Foreplay, you’ll also find questions that reveal some very important realities that can deeply impact a relationship:
What do you respect about yourself? Do you like who you are?
Are you, or have you ever been, in trouble with the law?
Do you consider yourself to be an honest person?
Do you use drugs?
How do you feel about marriage and monogamy?
Do you want to have children?
Do you practice safe sex, and have you recently been tested for HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases?
You May Never Know If You Never Ask!
Most of us have had the experience of discovering something about someone we’re close to and saying, “You never told me that!” only to hear the reply, “You never asked.” Information may not have been concealed from us, but our friends or partners may simply have not thought the information important or worth sharing until the topic came up naturally. Asking questions is a great way to learn and to initiate deeper conversations. Asking doesn’t replace intuition, attraction, or simple observation, but rather works in combination with them. The answers you receive to the questions you ask and your responses to those answers will raise your level of awareness about what you want, what you’re getting, and what is important to you. Just reading through the questions in Intellectual Foreplay will draw your attention toward areas in your relationship and in yourself that may require some attention or that deserve more respect.
A Hidden Benefit
In addition to providing you with all kinds of information, stimulating conversation, and perhaps a bit of trivia, asking questions also serves to make the other person feel cared about. People love to know that their date really cares about them, what they have to say and what matters to them. By asking questions and truly listening to the answers, you are communicating the unspoken message that the other person—and the quality of the relationship—matter to you. You aren’t just doing this “dating thing” in a haphazard way. It is deserving of a little forethought and a little foreplay!
© Copyright 2004 Eve Hogan
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com
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