Love Tip of the Week: Let the challenging moments reveal what is most important to you and spur you into deeper communication, understanding and compassion with your partner—whether you stay together or not.
Hi Eve,
I am upset about my relationship with a man I met online four months ago. He was, I thought, a breath of fresh air. He has been married most of his life and is a widower.
He was very, very, good to me. I have never been treated so well by my life by a man. (We are both in our 50s.) But then a friend, who he did not know was my friend, received an email from him on the dating site saying that he really loved her picture and wanted to meet her. She, of course, sent an email to me about his email to her.
So, we broke up because he lied to me. I knew that he was still going on the site, but he told me that he was just browsing and that he never wrote to or answered anyone.
When we broke up, he was crying as hard as I was. I was so, so, disappointed.
Anyhow, we got back together yesterday because he says that he is ready to just be with one person.
I think that his fascination with the dating sites is a result of being married most of his life and he cannot believe how many women are out there for him.
I don't trust him now and wonder if you have some thoughts for me.
Thank you in advance.
Hi,
I am sorry you are going through this disappointment.
I don't know how long he has been widowed, but you may be right that he is amazed by the changes in the dating world, the number of single people available and the ease of meeting people that the Internet provides. He may also be rebounding and wanting to know what all is out there before he jumps back into another serious relationship.
While I understand your inclination not to trust, keep in mind that people can make mistakes and by doing so realize what they really want and get on track from there. His action doesn’t necessarily mean that he is untrustworthy, or dishonest; nor is your lesson necessarily not to trust. My guess, from your description of this man, is that he didn’t so much as lie to you as acted on a spur of the moment impulse. For example, my husband and I were looking at houses just for fun, to know what was out there and keeping an eye on the market. We didn’t intend to buy and would have told our friends that we weren’t buying a house—just looking.
Then the day came when we both were intrigued with a house and suddenly we were going through the efforts to buy it. We weren’t “lying” when we said we weren’t buying a house, but we were underestimating the power of “shopping.” In essence, when you hang out on dating sites, it is inevitable that you will eventually see a profile of someone you want to meet. Moral of the story: stop “shopping” if you don’t want to “buy.”
If you feel that he is sincere in his willingness to go forth with one woman (i.e. YOU)—and he is willing to deactivate his membership on the site, than I would give him another chance. If you do, try your best not to go forth from a lack of trust and fear, but rather from a place of clarity that he now had an opportunity to get out of this relationship and date others—and he has chosen to stay in. This defining point of choice is very important and can be the moment of clarity from which a beautiful relationship can bloom. Be careful not to contaminate it with second-guessing, distrust, hurt and suspicion.
Of course, keep your eyes open, pay attention, have long heart to heart conversations and make some clear ground rules and agreements about your expectations for going forward. Then trust—not only him, but trust yourself to be able to handle anything that may happen knowing that you will come out stronger and wiser on account of it and trust in God to only give you situations which honor your growth.
With Aloha,
Eve
