Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is underneath your anger?
Love Tip of the Week: Love and anger exist simultaneously. Be sure that when you are expressing the anger that your love is also shining through.
Dear Eve,
I was away for the holidays visiting family. On New Year’s Eve my husband was going out to party with some friends. When we spoke on the phone prior, he promised me he wouldn’t drive drunk and assured me he had the list of taxis with him. I trusted him not drive, so I tried not to worry. The next day, he told me that he was, indeed, too drunk to drive the night before so he didn’t. However, his buddy (who had been drinking just as much and just as long as my husband) insisted that he could drive. So my husband not only got into the car with an intoxicated driver, but he let him drive our car! I am so upset I don’t even know what to say to my husband—or his friend. I can’t believe adults can be so irresponsible with a total disregard for not only their own safety, but the safety of others. Not to mention the likelihood of our liability had something happened!
Do you have any suggestions on how I should handle this? I hate being put into the position of “parent” with my husband, but he is not only putting himself and others at risk, he is also putting my well being at risk. My husband doesn’t want to hear what I think and I want to keep peace in my marriage, but this is unacceptable.
Any suggestions?
Aloha,
I can imagine how frustrated you must be. Your trust was violated and your well-being was jeopardized as well as that of someone that you love.
I have to wonder what your husband’s friend (or your husband for that matter) would do if his teenager borrowed his car and then told him that he/she let an intoxicated friend drive it—and that his teenager was a passenger. I’m sure that he would not only be angry, but also feel that he had been wronged—much like you do. Sometimes people can’t see their poor choices unless it is put in the context of someone they love being endangered or irresponsible.
You don’t have control over other people’s behavior, but it is important that you find a way to communicate your concerns with your husband so that, hopefully, he will change his own behavior. If you just express your anger, he will get defensive so it is important that you express your full range of emotion. Underneath anger is hurt and fear. These are followed by your responsibility and understanding, something you want and your love for him.
The short version may sound something like this: I am really angry that you would give our keys to a drunk driver and get in the car. I feel that was irresponsible and dangerous. When you agreed not to drive I thought you would be safe and I’m hurt that I couldn’t trust you to protect yourself, other people, me, our property and our future. I’m sad that you would allow a friend to drive drunk. It scares me to think that you or someone else could have been killed or that you could end up in jail. I am so afraid that you are going to make a bad decision when you are drunk that is going to impact us for the rest of our lives. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, as I know if I had been this wouldn’t have happened. I understand that you thought if you weren’t driving you were abiding by the law and your agreement, but not getting caught driving is only a small part of the problem. I want you to make up your mind ahead of time that you are not going to drive (or better yet, drink too much), or get into the car of an intoxicated driver and stick to it no matter what. I want to know you are making safe and smart choices so that I can trust you are protecting yourself and others. I love you and never want to experience the heartache of having you taken away from me either through an accident or incarceration. Please agree never to do this again, to never drive under the influence of alcohol or get in the car of someone who has been drinking.
When you express your total truth rather than just your anger and judgment, he will be much more likely to hear you and come to agreement. If he won’t let you talk to him, try expressing yourself in writing so that he can contemplate it before responding.
