Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Why should someone love you?
Love Tip of the Week: Personality characteristics—kindness, authenticity, generosity, compassion, confidence, honesty, spirituality, faith, humor— will take you farther in relationship than physical or material characteristics. Every step to develop and enhance your innate goodness, will bring you three steps closer to love.
Dear Eve,
I am was in a drastic car accident ten years ago and I broke close to all my bones plus ended up head injured. Now you tell me what man alive would want to have anything to do with busted up, head injured me?
Aloha,
I am sorry to hear about your accident. The biggest tragedy of it was not that it broke your bones, but it also broke your spirit—your confidence.
I receive letters in a similar vain to yours all the time—“Who will date me? I’m too fat, I’m too broke, I’m too damaged, I’m too ugly, I’m too old, I’m too ill, I have disabilities, I’m a recovering alcoholic, etc. , etc., etc., “
I also receive letters on the flip side, “I can’t find love because other people are too dishonest, flaky, untrustworthy, abusive, irresponsible, emotionally unavailable, controlling, needy, etc.” The reality is that we all have (or will have) faults, challenges, karma, lessons to learn , mistakes , health issues, grief, aging bodies….
However you complete these sentences, “I’m too____ to find love,” or “Other people are too_____” is your excuse for having an unsatisfying love life —not your reason for it. The ultimate obstacle to finding love is not the problem you are faced with, but the mental decision that there is no hope and therefore you use your situation as an excuse not to try, not to make the best of what you have and to be a victim. As long as you can’t see why others would be interested in you, they will likely not see why either. Or worse yet, they will see the reasons and you will dismiss them, not believing that they could truly love you.
And yes, there are circumstances that make finding a partner much more challenging and it is possible that there are circumstances in which finding a partner may not be possible or reasonable. However, in general, there are millions of other people looking for love who also have challenges and are willing to accept your challenges in exchange for true love.
In some cases, there are people who want or welcome someone with a certain set of circumstances: those in recovery often feel that only others also in recovery truly understand, those who are overweight are likely more comfortable with someone else who is also overweight, someone with a disability is likely to be more compassionate about someone else’s disabilities. Some people have a passion for taking care of others. The truth of the matter is that many people are willing to over look physical challenges for a personality that shines, a confidence that penetrates, a spirit that glows, a determination that inspires, and a perseverance that impresses.
Your homework, should you choose to do something about your situation, is:
Start seeing what is good in you, what you have to offer in spite of your challenges and develop, enhance and feature those qualities.
Reframe the way you see your challenges and the way you talk/think abou t them. Start talking about your disabilities from the perspective of what you have learned, how you have become stronger , more capable and a better person because of your situation. View and share your experience from a place of empowerment rather than as a victim.
Accept your situation rather than resisting it and be accepting other people’s challenges, too.
Look for evidence that love prevails. Notice all the couples in which one or both people are not “picture perfect” and yet they still found each other. Let them inspire you.
If we all become more accepting of our own challenges and more accepting of each other’s shortcomings and difficulties, we would discover a world full of love just waiting for hearts to reside in.
