Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you really know about what someone else is feeling?
Love Tip of the Week: Whenever you hear yourself saying “I know…,” ask yourself how you know. What is your evidence? Do you truly know, or are you assuming? Aim to base your decisions and communication on truth.
Dear Eve,
My call is about a problem I am having with a girl—I’m 35 and she’s 31. She is a real thing of beauty—inside and out—just really inspirational. She is the girl of my dreams. I tried getting to be friends with her 3-4 years ago. We are runners in the same club so at every race I talked to her—just friendly banter.. I went to several events just because I thought she’d be there, but it seemed like every time she saw me she would turn away. Or she’d be talking to her friends; I’m sure about me. One time she showed up at an event with way too much make-up on—just to try to turn me off. I got angry and stopped talking to her.
This past December her tune changed. While I was racing she said, “Good job” as I ran past. I was thrilled that she showed interest in me. It was one of the best moments in my life when I realized that she liked me. Then one day I saw someone waving but I couldn’t see ‘cause of glare. I’m pretty sure it was her and when I didn’t wave back, I’m sure she thought I was not interested in her, so she started dating another guy. That was one of the worst days in my life. If she just understood why I didn’t wave to her last December, she may be interested in me if things don't work out with her boyfriend. My conscience in killing me. I've been pretty miserable for about six months.
It takes two unique people to create a mess like this. I need advice on what to do. I'd like to email her and explain that she has misunderstood me and explain that I wasn’t ignoring her. Do you think that is a good idea?
Aloha,
First, it only takes ONE person to create a mess like this. Have you ever heard the saying, “To ass-u-me makes an ass out of u and me?” You are making a lot of assumptions about what this woman is thinking and feeling or that she is thinking about you at all, none of which may be true. Making assumptions without checking with other people for the truth—which is simple as saying, “Hey, I get the feeling you don’t like my attention, is that true?”—is the same as making up stories that may have no base in truth at all. Consider that she may not have even noticed you when you thought she was ignoring you, that her wearing too much make-up had nothing to do with you, that she was talking with others about the weather—not you, that it wasn’t even her waving at you or that she didn’t think twice about you not waving back, that she said “good job” to everyone who passed her in the race and it did not mean that she was interested in you. Imagine all that to be the truth and then imagine her receiving an email saying, “I know you are mad at me ‘cause I didn’t wave to you six months ago. You think I was ignoring you so you started dating someone else, but I wasn’t. I want you to date me.” She is going to think, “Who is this guy; what’s he talking about? He is nuts!”
If your perceptions are true, why would you think a woman who is rude to you, talks behind your back, misinterprets, avoids and ignores you, is the woman of your dreams? You are basing your dreams purely on physical attraction and that is a recipe for disaster in relationships. When we pick our partners based on “looks good and feels good” with no basis in what it IS good, we are not picking wisely. Spending four years pursuing a situation like this is obsession, not love.
It would be appropriate to email or say to her what YOU think, not what you think SHE thinks—but best to wait until she is single. “I have been interested in you since I first met you and don’t feel I’ve done a good job of showing you. I would love to talk with you to clear the air and get to know you better.”
