Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:What do you love your body for?
Love Tip of the Week: Everyone has challenges. When looking for someone who is compassionate to your situation, you must also be compassionate toward theirs.
Dear Eve,
I really want to have a relationship with somebody, but I am insecure about my body. I am at least 50 pounds overweight and can’t imagine anyone being attracted to me. I have been dieting and exercising and I feel much better, but I have such a long way to go. Is there love out there for me or will I have to wait until I’m perfect?
Aloha,
First, start imagining people being attracted to you—it all starts with your attitude! If you can’t imagine someone being attracted to you, you won’t even realize (or believe it) when someone is trying to get your attention. One of the wonderful things about people (contrary to what the media has told us) is that there are people attracted to all kinds of other people. Love is not reserved for the young, thin, tall, fit people—guaranteed. People are also able to fall in love with personalities and unexpectedly experience attractions to people that don’t fit their “type,” while not feeling attracted to a handsome man or beautiful woman. There is just no explaining attraction; it is one of life’s great mysteries.
There are entire online dating web sites dedicated to helping people find the “large and lovely” mate of their dreams, so don’t convince yourself that there is no one out there who will be attracted to you. Once, when I was 24, lived on Kauai, paddled outrigger canoes daily and was at my all time most fit physique, a local man said to my then-boyfriend, “Eve is pretty, but Claire is beautiful!” referring to his 300-plus-pound wife. It was then that I realized (thankfully) that our perception of beauty is not only cultural, but personal and unique to everyone.
The real challenge you face here is not other people’s perceptions of you, but your own self-perception. If you really want to have a relationship with somebody, you must start having a healthy relationship with your body! Start taking active steps toward appreciating you body now for what it does for you, how it serves you and what you are able to do on account of it. Don’t wait until your thighs look a certain way to appreciate that they allow you to walk, run, stand, and dance.
My mom is currently on the brink of dying from A.L.S (Lou Gerhig’s disease) and can no longer talk, eat, walk, stand, or move her arms. As I have watched her lose her ability to use one body part at a time after the next, I have been forced to ask myself whether I am taking my own body for granted or whether I have adequately appreciated my tongue, arms, legs, voice, etc. I share this story with you to encourage you to start actively practicing body appreciation. Let the fact that watching what you eat and exercising “makes you feel better” be the inspiration to continuing, rather than worrying so much over what you look like. By doing so, you’ll be able to appreciate your body all along, instead of just when you reach your goal weight. Keep moving and loving every minute of it! Even people with perfect bodies who exercise daily often do so out of insecurity. We would all benefit from loving our bodies more for what they do, rather than just how they look.
Do the mirror exercise: Stand in front of the mirror naked and observe the thoughts that you automatically pummel your body with. Then, replace those negative thoughts with positive statements appreciating your body and how it serves you. Do this every day—until you have switched your automatic self-talk from negative to positive.
Until you fully love yourself—and your body—you won’t believe that someone else can love you. Happily-ever-after always begins within!
