Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you pretending not to know?
Love Tip of the Week: Pay attention to your love life, as it is seldom that anything gets better from neglect.
Moving On
Dear Eve,
I am struggling with moving on after being dumped. I met a man whom I thought was wonderful online. We spent almost two years together. He was very good to my children and I, helping me work around my home, spending time with us etc. I wanted a commitment and would talk about him renting out his house and us living together in mine. I trusted and believed in him. We talked on the phone four times a day and he was always very attentive to me.
if the cancer had spread. He had called me on a Friday from work and said he was going fishing the entire weekend. He came to my home the following Monday, sort of started an argument and stormed off and left. He would not return my calls. I decided to look on the dating web site and discovered not only that he had been active but that he had created a second profile and unless you knew the man personally you would never have guessed these two profiles were of the same man. He never spoke to me again, only wrote me a curt e-mail saying we were not right for each other and that he hoped I found someone for me and sorry. I later found out through a mutual friend he had never been fishing with his friend, he had met someone on a Thursday and then spent that entire weekend with her. This man seemed so perfect (not an alcoholic or drug addict, employed and stable) and he turned out to be a liar and a cheat.
I am so hurt. I did try to contact him a few times and he was very rude to me. I know I shouldn't have but I wanted an explanation. How can I trust someone again? I look at the ads on the dating sites and think, “Oh these are all the same.” A lot of men in my age bracket (I am almost 49) seem to want younger women.
Any sage advice?
Aloha,
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
First, I feel like there is a big piece of this story missing. It seems pretty unusual that this guy would go from planning to move in together with a two-year relationship and then suddenly, with no warning and no problem, just stop, leave you for another woman and never talk to you again.
What really happened? My guess is that you actually know exactly what the problem was and had an inkling trouble was coming. They say love is blind, but hurt can be, too. I encourage you to be honest with yourself about this.
I also encourage you to change your language around break-ups. People DUMP trash; they LEAVE relationships. YOU ARE NOT TRASH and using this terminology—although I know is a pop culture term—is totally demeaning psychologically.
Secondly, what this man did does not have anything to do with the rest of the population of men. So, while it is understandable that you would come to the conclusion that you can't trust anyone, I assure you, that is not the lesson you were meant to gain from this experience. Ego comes to conclusions like that, but ego what blocks love every time! Spirit learns a different lesson—like what your part was in this situation, or how you can be wiser in your next relationship. Ego pushes people and experiences away while blaming others. Ego blocks love and trust. SPIRIT teaches you how to love more, more wisely, more responsibly, more healthfully. Spirit is love and trust.
Ultimately, in my experience, you can not ever trust that someone else won't hurt you or leave you. Ultimately they all will or you will, whether by incident or by death. So truly, you need to trust yourself and trust in God that you can handle anything that happens. If you don't feel that is true, then some serious self-strengthening work and development of your self-esteem is necessary.
