Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are your desires, thoughts, words and actions in alignment?
Love Tip of the Week: We often mourn the loss of what we wished a relationship would have become rather than the loss of the actual quality of the relationship. When you take a look at what you are really letting go of, chances are it will be easier to release.
Dear Eve,
For five years, my ex and I were always getting back together—a break-up to make-up kind of thing. Finally, I changed my cell and home phone numbers and asked him not to call. He likes playing on my emotions, so when his response was "I'll try," I decided to change my numbers. It's been two weeks now and he hasn't tried to contact me. In the past he would call me at work. Of course, I still think about him and have feelings for him, but I figure, time will heal a broken heart. How do you think he's feeling? Will he give it time and try to call me. I'm moving on even though it's hard. Any advice??
Aloha,
First of all, congratulations on the decision to move on, change your numbers and ask him not to contact you any more. These are great first steps. Now, you need to go the distance. At this point, he isn’t playing with your feelings, you are! He is doing what you asked of him.
Reread your letter to me and listen to your mixed message: "I changed my number and asked him not to call, why hasn't he called me?" It doesn't make sense. He hasn't called you BECAUSE you asked him not to, you changed your numbers to be sure he didn't and he knows, just as you do, that the time has come to move on. He is trying to respect that. You need to do the same.
Rather than wondering what he is thinking and if he is going to call, focus your energy and attention on getting yourself whole/complete again. After being in a partnership for so long, we tend to think as a "we" or as a half instead of a whole. That is partly why you are wondering so much about what he is thinking and doing.
I once lived in a haunted house on Kauai and had a Kahuna come to cleanse the energy and, literally, "clear the air." When the Kahuna left he said, "Do not think about the ghost in this house any more or you will invite it back." That is a lot easier said than done, but it made sense. You need to do some sort of personal ritual to release this man from your energy. Otherwise, you will inadvertently invite him back into your life, which you know is not the right thing to do.
One ritual I have used successfully is to imagine a cord, like an umbilical cord, that goes from your heart to his. Visualize what it looks like. Is it thick or thin, long or short, shiny and silvery or rope-like? Just examine the cord that runs the energy between you. Then, when you are ready to become energetically self-sufficient, ceremonially cut the cord. Seal off the ends with the intent that you are are establishing self-sufficiency so that you are both whole beings, managing well on your own. The idea is not to isolate yourself from him, but to become complete without him so that you can be continued friends, if you so choose, without being sucked into a relationship that you both know is not serving you. (You may have to do this exercise repeatedly until the separation is complete.)
Another ritual you can do is much like a funeral—of the relationship. Write a eulogy for it. Release the relationship, allow yourself time for mourning and healing and then move on. Much like the stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, you need to allow your heart the time to go through these stages. I make this sound simple and it may not be, but the reality is that this is the cycle of change and we all need to become consciously aware of the process and allow ourselves the time needed to go through it.
