Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: How will you know when you are successful?
Love Tip of the Week: Success is achieved moment by moment and the time to start is right now, now, now, now and again, now. Oh look, now backwards is “won!”
Dear Eve,
With the new year here, there are so many things I want to change about myself that I get overwhelmed and bogged down—and don’t end up changing anything. This year, I want to lose weight, I want to learn to play an instrument, I want to stop judging others, I want to be more successful, I want a loving relationship…the list goes on and on. How do I move from overwhelm to actually making changes?
Hoping for a happy New Year!
Aloha,
Whenever we look at a total change, we are easily overwhelmed—especially when that change is something that is going to require time. If we focus on changing our behavior in any given moment, it is much easier to manage and accomplish the changes we desire. Ultimately, all of us have the ability to change what we are doing moment by moment while few of us experience ease changing everything at once. For instance, losing weight. Depending on how much weight you want to lose, it isn’t likely going to happen in a week or even a month. It takes time to healthfully remove excess weight. The key is not to focus on the 20, 30, 40 pounds you want to lose, but rather take it one pound at a time. It is far less overwhelming to plan to lose a pound, and often far more successful. Success at losing one pound will inspire you to have success at losing the next pound. It is also important to give yourself credit for those baby steps. One pound may not seem like much until you realize that one little notch on your scale is equivalent to four cubes of butter!
The same holds true for the other items on your list. Instead of focusing on bringing more love into your life, see if you can bring more love into any—and every— moment. Instead of learning to play an instrument, learn to play one note or one song. When you have mastered that one, add another. Even letting go of your overwhelm is a moment by moment task.
As for judging others, it is nearly impossible to simply “stop judging others” all at once, but it is very possible to become aware of when you are judging others—and stop just for that moment. The key to change is to be self-observant. When you self-observe, you become aware. When you are aware of what you are doing, saying, or thinking, you have the opportunity to make a new choice—and do, say or think something different. This ability to choose is what makes you powerful. When we use that power to transform a single moment, and then start stringing these changed moments together, we bring about overall change without the stress and overwhelm of trying to change everything all at once.
When your goal is “to be more successful,” it is very important that you take some time to define what success is to you. For some of us success is related to wealth. For others, success is defined by our happiness, our love lives and our health. For others still, it is assessed by how well we manage huge numbers of responsibilities. If you don’t know how you define success, you surely won’t know (or acknowledge) when you get there! Often when we really sit down to define what success means to us, we discover that it wouldn’t take that much to move into the “more successful” category.
Last but not least, take note of which of your goals are “process goals” and which are “product goals.” Process goals are not achieved by a deadline, but rather are ongoing, over time. Exercise is a process goal, because you can’t “just do it” and then be done with it. It requires continued maintenance. Cleaning your house is a process goal because it must be done continually. Bringing more love into your life is a process goal. Finishing a certain project is a product goal—you have a completed product or project by a certain date. A lot of us have ongoing process goals and never feel successful because the goal is isn’t something your reach, it is something you continuously do. We need to redefine success to include the process, not just production.
