Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
Personal Integrity
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How do you define integrity?
Love Tip of the Week: Defending a position that doesn’t have a defense only digs you into a deeper hole. By acknowledging the impact of your decisions on others and accepting that they are in pain, you can help them to heal, defuse their power to make you feel bad—and reestablish your integrity. If you resist or deny your responsibility, the damage will deepen.
Dear Eve,
I am an executive for a well-known environmental group. About five years ago, I had an affair with one of our board members; both of us were married with children. Still in love, we ended it after a few months. I then divorced my husband and moved to another state. Obviously, there were other problems in both of our marriages.
Approximately a year ago, this man called saying he was still in love with me and is pursuing a divorce. We rekindled the relationship and are planning to get married once his divorce is final, but there are some serious issues.
First, he has two grown children who have been polite but not enthusiastic about our relationship. If I marry their father, will they make him choose between them or me? I have visions of being left out of their weddings, graduations, etc. Do I have the right to make him choose between them or me? Will my own adolescent child resent my boyfriend for his perceived role in my divorce?
My second concern is that I am uncomfortable and feel I am being judged when I go to my hometown where I have been known for my integrity. I’m also afraid his wife will see me and make a scene.
Finally, my boyfriend has made no secret that he is an avid hunter and fisherman. As an environmentalist, I do believe in balance. However, I just found out that while donating thousands of dollars to environmental causes, he is less than friendly to the environment in some of his practices. I am having difficulty coming to terms with this and my beliefs on environmental integrity.
I deeply love this man. When people see us together they use the term "soul mates" and say that we "fit" each other. I am basically a very happy person and love my life. I am wondering if our love for each other has a chance. Any advice?
Aloha,
Love always stands a chance, but when it starts in the midst of several other peoples’ heartache, it will take a high level of awareness and care to make it thrive.
First and most important: Do not make the children your ego’s battleground for your partner’s love. Ultimately, you have already “won,” and you now need to tend to the wounded. As you move forward, it is important that you understand, acknowledge and accept that it is totally understandable that his kids would resent you and that your child would resent him. Your decisions have seriously impacted their lives; do not add to that by expecting enthusiasm. Some of this resentment will likely ease with time and age, but right now everyone is adjusting and grieving. It is not okay to make your partner choose between his kids and you. If the time comes when they don’t want you at a special event where both their parents will be, pull his son or daughter aside, congratulate them on their success, wish them well and do your very best to honor their emotions for their occasion. Give them the gift of holding the celebration with your blessings without the added stress of catering to your emotions. The more gracious and understanding you are to the torment they are experiencing, the more likely they will accept you. This does not mean that you should be treated with disrespect, but expecting them to immediately embrace the situation is an unfair expectation. Be understanding and with time, hopefully they will understand.
As for the issue of environmental integrity, your boyfriend obviously has environmental concerns if he is on the board and donating money. If handled properly, this is the perfect opportunity to both learn and educate. If you let go of the “ego positions” of right and wrong and listen to each other, both of you could become more compassionate, wise and balanced in your beliefs—and better equipped to further your mission.
With Aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
