Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
How can you reassure your friends
and loved ones of their place in your life?
Love Tip of the Week: When situations call you away, keep your sweetheart informed. A little information goes a long way and keeps the imagination from having to fill in the gaps with false information—and fear.
Dear Eve,
My lady-friend/lover whom I have been dating for about seven years, is upset because I am going back east with my old girlfriend who just lost her father. We are going back for the funeral. I don’t think she should be upset as this is one of those “life crisis” moments in my ex’s life and I think being supportive is the right thing to do. I have told her this is just a platonic friendship in the past and I’m tired of not being trusted. Do you think she has a right to be upset?
Aloha,
There are so many unknown variables here that it is hard to give you a black and white answer, but I can give you some pointers on how to make it easier on your “lady-friend.” When life calls for you to spend time with an ex—whether due to common friends, children, or business that needs to be handled, you can ease the fear and pain a sweetheart is experiencing by reassuring her, calling her and giving her just a little more attention than you might ordinarily so that she knows there is nothing to fear. Your goal, if you want to keep your girlfriend, is to let her know that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” rather than leaving her feeling like, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
Reassure her—again—that this is a platonic relationship between you and your ex, (if, indeed, it is). Even if you feel like you have told her a thousand times before that you are “just friends,” tell her again. Remember, you are leaving town with another woman. A woman whom you have slept with, have loved and obviously care about still. While it is admirable that you are being supportive of your ex in her time of need, it is important that you simultaneously show support for the one you are currently in a relationship with. I’m sure you can empathize with why she might be a bit concerned. How you handle this can make a huge difference in how comfortable and supported your girlfriend feels.
You may even want to thank her for being so understanding and acknowledge the discomfort she is likely feeling. While you may not think her comfort is your responsibility, if you have been her lover for the last seven years, she deserves the respect of some extra reassurance during extra-challenging circumstances.
The same holds true for long distance relationships or situations in which you are called to travel (for other reasons). Whenever circumstances cause one person to be away, extra emails, phone calls, cards, flowers—a little extra attention—help the person left behind in a huge way. While you may know you are trustworthy and therefore can’t understand the fear the other person may be experiencing, it doesn’t hurt you to go the little extra mile to help her understand that the fear is unnecessary. Letting her know that you are thinking about her, even while you are away, will score you big points when you return (and often avoid
arguments, resentment, pain, etc.).
You need to also keep in mind that being intimately involved with someone for seven years—someone that you are not married to nor living with, inherently indicates a certain level of lack of commitment. That lack of commitment alone, could amplify, maybe even justify, her lack of trust. She may think you are just hanging out with her until you find something better. She may think you are just hanging out with her because she is convenient—and puts up with you having close friendships with your ex. What you need to consider is how you really feel about her, where this relationship is headed (if anywhere) and let her know so she isn’t always wondering what you are up to. If you really care about her and want to keep her in your life, take those tiny extra steps to keep her feeling safe and reassured.
With Aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.co
|
