I was living with a married woman and her two girls for the last three years. We were having some troubles so I suggesting we separate for a while. She immediately got involved with someone else who she is now living with. He is also married, just left his wife and two-month-old kid to be with her. She has written me several emails saying it is over and she is moving on, but I’m convinced she is just angry and doing this as revenge to try to get back at me for hurting her. I want to be with her again and don’t know how she could just throw away three years so quickly just because everything is new and rosy in a new relationship. Do you think this thing with this guy is for real?
Please help
Aloha,
I suspect you left some key points out of your message to me like: what she was trying to “get back at you” for and what was going wrong in the relationship that you were deciding to separate in the first place. However, it sounds to me like this relationship was filled with drama for both of you and as if you wanted out of the relationship until she got someone new. Now you are trying to get back in, in part, because your ego has been challenged by a new guy on the scene.
It appears that her pattern is to move on without cleaning up previous relationships—she was still married when she got involved with you, and now she is moving on to a new relationship. I suspect she is not the type of girl who goes backwards. I can’t help but wonder why she has stayed married to her husband while separated for so long—and why you were okay staying involved with a woman who was married to someone else.
It is amazing to me that we tend to ignore what people say to us both when we are getting into relationships—as they usually tell us why we shouldn’t get involved with them— and when someone is trying to get out of a relationship—as they usually tell us they aren’t coming back (or why we shouldn’t go back!). In this case, it sounds as if she has not only said that she is finished with the relationship, but she has taken major steps away from the relationship by moving in with another guy. I believe it is a mistake for you to think that she is “throwing away three years so quickly for a new relationship,” as I suspect she let go of the old relationship due to whatever she is so angry at you about and whatever you think she is getting revenge on you for. The new guy just happened to be a conveniently timed addition to her life to give her the strength not to get back into the relationship with you. It seems to be her M.O. to get someone else in order to emotionally move away from a previous relationship.
When you ask if I think this new relationship is for real, I am assuming that you are asking if I think you have a chance again if this relationship falls apart. My best guess is that regardless of what happens between them, the relationship between you and her is over. My best advice to you is to take a vacation or at least a break from communication with her, get a new perspective on your life and start healing and rebuilding.
If there is actually a chance that she will want to get back in the relationship with you someday, all steps that you make now toward wholeness will help. Actively use this time to read books or take classes that may be helpful to you. Regardless of what happens between you and her, these steps will serve any future relationships you end up in.
I wish you the best!
With Aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How do you know when a relationship is over?
Love Tip of the Week: Drama is not the result of a healthy relationship. Drama is caused by ego. Love, trust, honesty and communication are the results of a healthy relationship. These are also the means to a healthy relationship. The result and the means are one and the same.
