Love Tip of the Week: Relationships are not the goal; they are the means to the goal.
Dear Eve,
I've looked at your books with the objective of finding out what to do about my future life. I'm divorced after twenty years of marriage, and I'm still fairly young (48) and in great shape, with a very successful career. I don't know that I want to ever be married again. I was faithful in my marriage, but frankly, "sleeping around" seems like a whole lot of fun right about now. While sleeping around is very enjoyable, I also long for a stable relationship. But I don't want to work at a relationship anymore. If it goes great, I'm happy. But I'm just not willing to "make" another relationship work.
So here are my questions:
Is it possible to find someone where things just "click"—no work, just easy, kicked-back loving and co-existence?
This urge to "sleep around"...what is it? Is it genetic in men, or what?
It seems that no matter how happy I am with a woman, other women STILL seem attractive and alluring, and I like getting to know them, emotionally and physically. Can you have a relationship that is so fulfilling that you don't feel that way again?
Thanks for your time.
Aloha,
Yes, you can find relationships that are easier, that aren't full of drama and “work,” however, the problem we all encounter with the “work” is that we think we are working on the relationship or on changing other people—or changing ourselves to match someone else’s expectations. Since these are all virtually impossible, spinning our wheels like this is exhausting. This, my friend, is why you are burnt out on the relationship scene.
Instead, we all have to become adept at transcending our egos, forgiving, allowing each other to be who we are (without expecting change) and becoming our most authentic selves—and these things can be work. The "work" I refer to, however, isn't work between two partners necessarily, but "inner work" on our selves. Our personal “work” is: practicing self-observation, becoming aware when we are off center, realigning our behavior, thoughts and words with our intentions and goals, and choosing actions in alignment with what we are trying to create. While, yes, this is “work,” these are the very skills we are here to master. The relationship’s role in all this is to provide us the perfect practice ground to do so. In other words, the relationship isn't the thing we are working on; it is our own self-mastery we are working on. As opposed to exhaustion and hopelessness, the reward on the other side of this work is a deep sense of joy, contentment and excitement about the absolute mystery of it all. The closer we get to mastery, the more fun the “work” —and the rewards—are. A by-product of our self-mastery is healthier, happier relationships.
Obviously you are seeing that your two desires—sleeping around and being in a deep relationship—are generally in direct opposition to each other. My guess is that since you've been with the same woman for the last twenty years, you need a break from serious, monogamous relationships. You may find that when you have done this for a while, you will again be ready for something deeper and more fulfilling than just the physical. Perhaps not. There isn't a "right and wrong" here, unless you believe there is; you can work on your self-mastery in both arenas. It is all a matter of what you want and which behaviors will lead toward your goals and which won't. Just be sure you are paying attention to how you are feeling and self-adjusting when your behavior and choices aren’t serving your overall well-being—or that of others.
Even in the midst of the best relationships, other people never stop being attractive to us. Monogamy is not a matter of absence of opportunity or interest; it is a matter of choice about what you want to honor—for all of us, men and women alike. You can have a relationship that is so fulfilling that you would always make choices that honor that relationship, but you still may face desire, attraction and interest in other people—thus the necessity to make the choice.
I wish you the best.
