I can’t help but wonder whether relationships really work. There is almost no one I know who is in one that works or in one that I would want to be in. Why are we so driven to be mated? Why should I keep looking for one? What is the point?
Aloha,
When you ask whether relationships work or if there is any point to having them, I am assuming you mean romantic relationships. However, I’d like to you to look at the bigger realm of relationships in general. Relationships are what your life is made up of—whether with a romantic partner, family, children, coworkers, strangers, pets, God, your self—you name it, you have a relationship with it. Whether or not we have relationships isn’t really up to us—we are conceived in relationship, we are born dependent on relationships to sustain us and relationships make up every aspect of our lives from then on. What is entirely up to us is the quality of our relationships.
Our soul mission—sole mission— in life is to expand our capacity to love, to have compassion, to gain wisdom, to transcend our egos and maintain a sense of humor. Relationships are the perfect classroom, the perfect playground to practice—and master— these critical skills. So, rather than looking for a relationship, start looking at the ones you are already in and raise them to a higher level of quality. By doing this you will enhance your skills and experience more fulfillment while waiting for your romantic partner to arrive. “The point” is to become self-aware, learn, grow and master these skills.
It really isn’t your place to look at other people’s relationships and determine that “they don’t work,” as their spiritual path, their needed lessons, their obstacles, are not the same as yours. Thus, it is fitting that their “classroom” is not the same classroom that you need. What is far more important and relevant is to look at your own relationships and determine whether they are working for you, (and your partners) and if not, make the necessary adjustments. By “working” I don’t necessarily mean “happily-ever-after.” The future is a tough one to predict or control. What I mean by “working” is whether you are able to transform any given moment into a healthy one. A “healthy relationship” is one in which the partners are aware of their own behavior and can self-adjust when what they are doing, saying or thinking is building obstacles to love. The goal is to clear the path of ego-obstacles so that love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, honesty, respect and acceptance can grow and thrive in the environment of the relationship. Can you align your behavior with your values and goals to bring about an exchange of love? Or, does your ego block the path of love?
A holy man was once asked, “How do we measure the progress of our spiritual growth.” To which he answered, “Look to your relationships.” If we talk about what Jesus (or Buddha or…) would do, we will push others away, but if we behave as Jesus (or Buddha or…) would, we will draw others to us. So the popular saying, “What would Jesus Do?” is only powerful if it moves from our heads—as a point of contemplation, to our hearts—as a point of action.
Ultimately, your tone sounds discouraged and frustrated with the search for love. Thus, I suggest you step back from romantic relationships until you have restored a sense of balance, joy and hope in your heart. Remember that right in the midst of the word “relationship” is the word “elation,” which means joy. Focus on bringing out the elation in your relationships and you may once again discover the rhyme and reason of it all.
