We’ve all heard stories in the news about the dangers of dating online. While media often wants to blame the Internet when a tragedy happens between two people who met online, if the same tragedy were to happen between two people who met in person they would never blame the church or the school where they met. Ultimately it isn’t where we meet that is the problem, it is the amount of wisdom we use once we have encountered each other.
The good thing about these media stories is that they have raised our awareness about dating safety issues online—and off! We have learned from online dating that there are some behaviors that are wiser than others. While the huge majority of people dating are normal, nice people looking for a sweetheart just like you are, there are a few who are not. A little conscious care can make your dating experiences much more enjoyable!
Safe dating requires that you use your head, take your time and pay attention! While these guidelines are written to keep you safe in the online dating arena, they apply equally well to face-to-face meetings.
1) Keep private information about yourself confidential until after you have met and are confident that the other person is someone to whom you want to tell personal details. Withhold specific information that could lead the other person to you physically. Be aware that this kind of information can accidentally be revealed over the course of time—maybe in one email you share the town you live in. In another email you share the name of the company you work for, followed by another email with the specific job you hold at that company. Over the course of several emails, the other person knows a lot about you. Think ahead about which information you don’t want to share and be careful not to share even parts of it at a time.
2) Keep your personal phone number or email private—use your on-site email and phone services. There are plenty of porn and other spamming businesses that would like nothing more than to get your personal email so they can start sending you propaganda. If a person asks you for your email, especially without responding to anything that you have said personally, don’t give it out! You have a mailbox and address on the site specifically to protect your personal email from this kind of unethical behavior. While giving out an unlisted phone number may seem reasonable, you need to be sure that your number isn’t listed on “reverse search” features on the Internet. Try typing your phone number into the search field on various servers and see what comes up. In some cases, not only will your name and address pop up, but also a map to your house! If you want to hear the other person’s voice, use the phone service on the site.
3) Ask to see more pictures. We all have a multitude of pictures of ourselves. Ask to see several pictures in order to see a wider variety than a “glamour shot.” Also, if someone is posting a picture of someone else they will have a hard time producing several pictures of the wrong person (unless they are using a personal friend or family member’s picture.)
4) Ask questions and watch for consistency and inconsistency. Someone who is deceptive will often trip over their own lies with inconsistencies. Pay attention to what they have told you. Ask different questions about the same topic over the course of a few emails. Watch for “little red flags” or comments that cause you to question the wisdom of meeting in person.
5) Remember, until you meet, you are still strangers. Keep in mind that while it may seem like you know someone you’ve been talking with online—it may even seem like you know him/her better than anyone you’ve ever met—you truly don’t know them until you’ve spent some time together. Use the Internet to establish that you want to meet—not that you want to get married!
6) Become a Paid Member—being a paid member flags to other people that you are serious about finding love. Due to the paper trail, married people posing as single and teenagers pretending to be adults are less likely to be paid members and creepy people are less likely to pay to be creepy when they can do it for free. In addition, being a premium member allows you to start off by asking important questions and initiating stimulating conversations.
7) Meet safely and wisely. When you meet in person—which whenever possible I recommend you do within the first few weeks to a month of dialoguing—do so in a public place, during the daytime. Tell a friend where you are going and what you know about who you are meeting with.
8) Be responsible for your own transportation and finances. While it is always nice if someone pays for your coffee, drink or dinner, it should not be expected—especially on a first meeting before you even know whether your meeting is a date or not. While it may seem like a normal date to get in the other person’s car to travel together, refrain from doing so until you have met and have had time to assess your comfort.
9) Trust your intuition. We have an amazing ability to perceive. If you feel like something isn’t right, pay attention. If you feel in your gut that everything is okay, pay attention to that, too.
While all this talk of safety may seem intimidating, it is really just common sense for any dating situation. We all know people who have met their sweet hearts online, so use your head as you safely follow your heart to love.
