Secrets of Online Dating
By Janet Kornblum, USA TODAY
But how do you begin? What should you focus on? Evan Marc Katz, author of I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating (Ten Speed Press, $14.95) shares tips with USA TODAY'S Janet Kornblum. Katz, 31, is the founder of eCyrano a consulting firm that helps people write better profiles to post on dating Web sites.
You're finally considering doing this online dating thing — you know millions of people do it. In fact, 26% of all Internet users — 39 million Americans — visited a personals Web site in December, 2003, according to the Web measurement firm comScore Media Metrix.
But how do you begin? What should you focus on? Evan Marc Katz, author of I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating (Ten Speed Press, $14.95) shares tips with USA TODAY'S Janet Kornblum. Katz, 31, is the founder of eCyrano a consulting firm that helps people write better profiles to post on dating Web sites.
Why have online dating sites become so popular?
It's a natural extension of where we are at this point in time. Everybody has computers. Everybody wants to fall in love. Why not merge those two things?
Who uses them?
Everybody. You can't point to one demographic because that's like saying who goes to movies? It's essentially the world's biggest singles bar. Except you can do it in the privacy of your own home and take your time to read about someone and get to know them by e-mail and phone before you ever go out.
So how come you haven't found the woman of your dreams?
It's not the Internet's job to help me find the woman of my dreams. It's the Internet's job to introduce me to people. And it's done that very well. I've fallen in love — I've had three girlfriends that I would call serious. I've had a series of other relationships. Whether two people are meant to be together for the next 50 years, that's compatibility, luck, timing.
How do men and women differ in online dating styles?
Men do more initiating contact. And their philosophy is, "Hey, it's a numbers game." So a guy will get online and the first day, will write to 50 different people — short generic letters. He'll have nothing to say in his profile and wonder why nobody writes back to him.
And the woman gets online and posts a pretty picture. She'll have 200 people reply to her on her first day and will be completely overwhelmed. Most of them didn't bother to read her essay.
If a man knew that he was competing against 200 other men to get the attention of that one women, I think he'd put more time into his profile and his introductory e-mail.
How often should you change your profile?
One of my favorite quotes is by Benjamin Franklin: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Let that be your guide. If you're not getting the results you are looking for, that's when it's time to shake things up. That's when it's time to look at other people's profiles. What do you respond to when you read someone else's profile? If you respond to someone who has a lot of detail and a lot of personality and a lot of warmth, why wouldn't you put that in your profile yourself?
You advise people to avoid spelling out their negative traits and relationship experiences in their essays. Why?
Let people find that those traits out themselves. If the whole purpose of this is to meet people, why do something that is going to turn someone away? I could put a picture of myself when I just woke up in the morning. I do look like that at a certain point in time. But that's really not going to encourage people to write to me. Don't lie, but at the same time, it seems to be pretty counterproductive to talk about what's wrong with you. Most people use this as a confessional. They don't think "How is this coming off to a reader?" They just write what they feel. Some days we feel good about ourselves and some days we don't. The truth is, people want to be around people who are happy and positive and confident.
What are other common mistakes?
Number one: People put no thought into their essays. They don't understand the importance of it. They get very little response because their essays say nothing about themselves. Most people will use the same vocabulary words to describe themselves: I am — or I am looking for — someone who is nice and smart and kind and warm and funny and honest and successful and ambitious and family-oriented. That's all well and good but that could be written by anybody. Lots of people will say they're romantic. Well, show me. How are you romantic? Are you the kind of person who on the random Wednesday is going to bring home a single rose for your girlfriend? Are you going to cook a candlelight dinner on your one-year anniversary? There are just different ways of saying the same thing.
What about lying in profiles?
Liars? That is something that is impossible to police. People who lie think "If I put a picture of myself five years ago when I was 30 pounds thinner or had a full head of hair, that's going to make someone more likely to go out with me." That is true. However, two steps ahead you meet the person and they turn out to look nothing like their picture. And that date's over before it starts.
What do men and women lie about most?
Women lie about their weight and age. Men lie about their height, their age, their income. And everybody lies with their photos. When you put a picture, put up a full disclosure picture with a big smile — people do like happy. And put up a picture of your body. What I do is I assume somebody is going to be 20% worse looking than their picture -and then I'm pleasantly surprised.
You say people limit themselves too much. How?
You can always not go out with someone who you see online but you can't go out with them if you don't see them. So loosen up your search criteria. Think of what we call deal breakers — things that you absolutely cannot tolerate. If you're Catholic and you won't date Protestants, OK. Put that in the search criteria. But if it's not a deal-breaker, don't include it. That goes for age. That goes for height.
Should you look for dates online if you're not that serious?
Absolutely. Don't do it if you're in a bad place, but this can serve whatever purpose you want it to serve. Think of it like joining the gym. You can join the gym and work out six days a week, workout three days a week, one day a week, once a month. You get out what you put in.
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