Dating Tips and Quotes from Seinfeld:

ON DATING

...Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

...What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

ON SEX

...Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

...Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."

THE RELATIONSHIP

...Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."

...The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

Personal Ads

ELAINE: Well, I'm dating a communist.

JERRY: Wow, a communist. That's something.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it?

GEORGE: Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker?

JERRY: The Daily Worker has personal ads?

GEORGE: And they say appearance is not important.

ELAINE: Yours or hers?

Deaf Date

GEORGE: Your wake up guy asked you out?

ELAINE: Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,

JERRY: I don't know. Blind date?

ELAINE: What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.

JERRY: Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.

ELAINE: At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

JERRY: I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.

ELAINE: Ah, . . .

GEORGE: Now you're off on a topic.

JERRY: You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf.

ELAINE: Uh hu.

JERRY: Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.

GEORGE: You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.

ELAINE: I think she'd figure it out.

The Switch

George enters

GEORGE: What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night.

The whole thing blew up in my face.

JERRY: Ah, that's a shame.

GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it.

Did you call her?

JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?

JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.

GEORGE: So what happened?

JERRY: She's into it.

GEORGE: Into what?

JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said

she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable.

JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.

GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that

you know me and have access to my dementia?

JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.

GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin

to do it?

JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes

everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to

grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new

bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting.

I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.

... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

GEORGE: If only something like that could happen to me.

JERRY: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.

GEORGE: I know.

Breaking Up - Turn Your Key

George, in his apartment with Maura: "And so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up. Thank you, and good night."

Maura: "No, George, we're not."

George: "But I proved it!"

Maura: "I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys."

George: "Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key."

Maura: "I'm sorry, George, I can't do that."

George: "Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!"

Next scene with George:

George, entering his apartment with the too-tan secretary: "So, you... you say you've been in the city all winter?"
Loretta: "I was in Maine for a couple days."

George: "Well... here we are."

Loretta: "George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you."

George: "Ho ho!"

Loretta: "But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon."

George: "Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam."

Loretta: "I want to build something with you, George."

George: "Oh, not more building."

Loretta: "And I won't take no for an answer."

George: "No?"

Loretta: "No."

George, after hesitating: "All right."

Next scene with George:

George, at Monk's with Loretta: "The, uh, actor that played Jesus made some odd choices."

Loretta: "What?"

George: "I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating."

Maura, entering Monk's: "George?"

George: "Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!"

Maura: "You told me to meet you here for lunch."

George, standing up and overreacting: "Oh, I'm caught in my own web of lies!"

Maura, to Loretta: "I'm Maura."

Loretta, to Maura: "I'm Loretta. You want to join us?"

George: "This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so..."

Maura: "George, what we have is too important. We can work through this."

Loretta: "So can we."

George: "What? So, this is still not over?"

Maura: "No."

George: "You?"

Loretta: "No."

George, reluctantly sitting down: "All right."

Source: http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/