Should You Give an Ultimatum in a Relationship?
By Jeff Cohen, freelance writer (cohenwriting@aol.com)
If you’ve been in enough relationships then you’ve dealt with fear of commitment. If you’ve dealt with the commitment issue then you’ve probably pondered the ultimatum. What is an ultimatum you ask? It’s when you say to your partner, commit or I’m out of here. It’s definitely a strategy that forces some action, but how do you know if it’s the right approach for you? Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of delivering the ultimatum.
The Pros
The biggest advantage to delivering an ultimatum is it forces your partner’s hand. If the relationship has been stagnant for some time or your partner won’t talk about where things are headed, he or she will be forced to address the issue. There will be no getting around the fact that if your partner doesn’t speak up soon then the relationship ends.
The other advantage to the ultimatum is it can help your partner see what you really mean to him or her. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until it’s gone. If your partner feels the threat of your departure, it just might be enough to help him or her see how much you mean to them.
The Cons
On the flip side, what if your partner ultimately does want to commit, just not yet. By forcing their hand, they may choose to end it, simply because they can’t give the commitment just yet. In that case, you’ve lost someone who ultimately could have been your long term partner.
Additionally, giving the ultimatum can really hurt communication. You’ve gone from talking together about your future to forcing action. In other words, the time for talking is over and now a decision has to be made. Your partner may commit but could also feel resentment over being forced into action.
What Should You Do?
Ultimately, there’s no easy answer when it comes to ultimatums, but there are some clues that can help you decide if the ultimatum strategy will be effective.
1) Does your partner have a legitimate reason for not committing?
Is your partner finishing a graduate degree or dealing with a family challenge? Is there something else that is turning your partner’s attention away from committing? If so, then maybe an ultimatum isn’t the best answer. In this case, being there for your partner could be the best move and in the end might get you the commitment you desire.
2) Is your partner just coming out of a serious relationship?
If your partner just ended a previous relationship and still feels the pain, then forcing commitment could likely end the relationship prematurely. In this case, patience is key; provided you’re willing to give your partner adequate time to fully move on.
3) Does your partner always have trouble taking action?
Does your partner have trouble committing in other areas of his or her life? Does he or she struggle to make decisions in general? If so, then maybe a little push could be effective. Maybe your partner just needs a little guidance to make things happen together. In this case, you can give a more friendly ultimatum, not the threatening kind.
In the end you have to weigh the benefits of forcing the action versus the risk of losing your partner. If you’ve had enough and really need to know where the relationship is headed, then maybe it’s a risk worth taking.
Jeff Cohen is the author of the e-book, 30 Minute Guide to Online Dating. It's a must-read for anyone looking to master the art of online dating without wasting hours of valuable time. To learn more about the e-book and purchase a copy, please visit Online Dating eBook.
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