Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
Spiritual Life
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does “spiritual” mean to you?
Love Tip of the Week: Everyone is at a different stage of evolution, readiness and understanding. What you gain from an experience may be totally different from what your partner gains. Trust that your path and his or hers may be different, but you can be in different lanes on the same highway, see totally different things and still enjoy the journey.
Dear Eve,
I met a guy about six months ago who was totally attracted to my spiritual life and the element of magic in my daily existence. When we first met he wanted to know everything so that he could experience the “magic,” too. We soon got engaged, moved in together and everything was going great. Then, he started to get freaked out. I have an intense work ethic, and that includes my self-improvement. I think I overwhelmed him expecting the same. Suddenly, he started resisting doing anything spiritual or working on himself or our relationship and started playing video games several hours a day. As a single mom, I already have one child and can’t bear to have a partner who wastes time like this. I pushed him to stop, and he left. I really thought that his interest in the light was sincere and that we were going to share a long and happy life together. Now, I just don’t know. Any suggestions?
Aloha,
It sounds like you have taken on the role of “elder” or "teacher" and what your fiancé wanted was a partner and a lover. He has hence responded to your parental role by turning into the rebellious teenager. My best suggestion, if your goal is to keep this man, is to stop trying to change him, stop trying to teach him—if he is ready, he WILL learn whether you teach him or not. Continue growing and learning yourself. He will grow automatically by being in relationship with you; he can't help it. But to be told he needs to change is like saying he isn't okay, which plugs him into all his esteem issues.
There is a saying that goes something like, “If you behave like Jesus, people will be drawn to you. It you talk about Jesus, people will be repelled from you.” Spirituality is an experience of the heart—not an experience of the head. When your boyfriend met you, he felt your love, your connection to spirit and was drawn to that light. Then, you started teaching him at every opportunity and talking about it, you were no longer embodying it and suddenly he wasn’t able to feel the light anymore.
I suggest. that you make a list of the qualities that are "spiritual and magical" and then look to see if anywhere on that list are words like, "judgmental, controlling, ego—my way, my timeline, driven, full of expectations,...." If instead you see qualities like, "unconditional love, spontaneity, miracles, magic, trust, acceptance, playfulness, process, God’s timeline...." then take a step back and consider that this relationship may really be a spiritual lesson for you. View this relationship—whether it lasts or not—as the perfect classroom to put into practice what you hold as dear. Put your list of spiritual qualities to work in your relationship. I often hear people claiming to be spiritual, but their relationships are a mess. If you do nothing but apply your spirituality in the realm of relationship you will quickly ascend. There is no better practice ground, but your lessons are uniquely for you. Your partner’s lessons may be completely different.
Look for what he is teaching you—perhaps he is able to "play" and you need someone to balance your intense work ethic. Perhaps as a single mom you have kept your inner child or inner teenager under absolute control all these years and that’s why you go nuts when he plays games. Stop and ponder what it is about you that he manages to push the buttons around and then see if you can figure out what it is about you that you need to learn. Remember...It is all about you! Pretend that none of what bothers you in him has anything to do with him and see what is revealed to you about you. That is when/where the true spiritual work begins....
With Aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
