Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What can you do differently to make your relationships more fun?
Love Tip of the Week: When we blame other people for our situation, we give away all our power. Try taking 100% responsibility for the quality of your relationships—if even just for a week—and see how they transform.
Dear Eve,
I have been in a relationship with this guy for fifteen years and have three kids with him. During that time we broke up briefly and I dated another guy. We then got back together. Since then he has cheated on me repeatedly and when he comes back saying he really wants me, he always throws the guy I dated in my face, saying he only cheated out of anger. I truly love him, but I'm tired of being stupid for him. He says we don't communicate unless it’s about bills or the kids. But he has this guard up when it comes to me. Over the years, I have changed a lot and tried to show him. Now I'm tired and don't want this anymore. He won't seem to let me go. He says I can move on, but doesn't really mean it. What can I do in this situation?
Hi
You ask, "What can I do....?" and I ask, "what do you want to do?" You say you are "tired and don't want this any more" and that he "won't let you go." Why does he have to let you go for you to move on? If you wait for him to be okay with you leaving, you are turning all of your power over to him. This is not his decision; this is your decision.
I think that you are using the "he won't let me go" as an excuse to stay. There is a very important reason hiding under this excuse. Ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. Maybe it is because of the kids or it seems easier than going through a break-up or because you are scared to be in the dating world again or because deep down you really want this relationship to work and don't want to give up. Whatever the reason, you need to figure out what it is, take responsibility for it and stop blaming him for being in the relationship. You are in the relationship by choice, so either choose to be in it and figure out how to make it work for you—or choose to get out of it.
What you should not do is continue in the relationship, doing the exact same things, receiving the exact same results and being unhappy about it. If you want something different, you are going to have to do something different. You do not have the power to change this man. His changes are entirely his responsibility. However, as you change your responses to him and change what you are willing and unwilling to accept in your partnership, he will change in response to you—or you will break up.
If you stay in the relationship and the cheating is unacceptable to you, stop accepting it. Let him know clearly that there will not be a relationship to return to if he does it again—and mean it. If you are unwilling to let the relationship go no matter what, recognize that you are choosing to stay in a relationship with a man that cheats. You have been accepting this for a long time—if you opt to continue accepting it, I encourage you to stop allowing it to make you miserable. Just recognize that the two of you have changed the “rules of your relationship” and, if you accept this behavior, it is no longer “cheating.”
If you decide to stay, think about the things each of you have complained about and see what you can do to transform the situation. If all you really talk about are the kids and the bills, begin practicing "Intellectual Foreplay" — consciously sharing and asking about other topics. If you set your mind to saving this relationship, you will have to get creative with your part—do new things, show up in a new way. If you decide that you do not want to continue, don’t wait for him to let you go. Set yourself free.
