Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan

How have you contributed to that which you are complaining about?

Love Tip of the Week: Blaming other people for your lack of love never ever works for bringing more love into your life.

Dear Eve,

I am a forty-four-year-old, never married, man. I am attractive, athletic and funny, but I have no confidence in approaching women. I have gotten worse as I have gotten older. In my younger days, I would just get drunk and pick up women at bars. Who cared what they looked like? Now, I have become a recluse. I seldom go out except to work out or to jog. I pretty much stay home all weekend and going to bars is boring to me now, because most women there are either cold or just plain mean. Women are so hard to approach. My friends also have negative attitudes about women.

I am now worried that I may never find my intended. If I try and talk to a woman at the gym, immediately her "walls" go up. I guess they all assume that when a man talks to them, he is hitting on them.
What can I do to change myself? What can I do to find someone? I am so lonely. Why are women so hard to meet? Why are they so cold and often just plain mean? Any advice is appreciated.

Aloha,

Here is the deal: if you want different results, you have to do something different. Without knowing you or how you are approaching women, it is hard to say exactly what you need to change, but the first thing is your negative expectations and generalized views about women being mean, cold and unapproachable. Be open and expect that women will be open, as well. As you change your attitude and expectation, the response you get will change, too.

Secondly, how do you meet people if you don't go out? The answer is—unless you date online (and even then you will have to go out to meet them in person)—you can't! Start getting out of your house, meeting people and enjoying life.

Thirdly, pay attention to what you are saying, thinking and doing when you approach women. Your old ways of "getting drunk and picking up on women in bars” may have contaminated your style. The things you said as an opening line in a bar drunk, probably wouldn't work at the gym, for instance, sober. What are you thinking and saying? If you are thinking she is going to blow you off, you may be putting up a wall yourself that causes her to respond coldly. If you are thinking that you are “picking up on” her, rather than simply “meeting” her, your energy could be pushing her away.

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Keep in mind that women (especially if they are attractive) are often hit on constantly and may feel they have to protect themselves by acting cold. Imagine that you were rich and thus people were always trying to get money from you. In time, you would start distancing yourself, being suspicious and maybe even mean just to protect yourself from the predators. You may, mistakenly, even be aloof to nice people who really like you for you, just because you have encountered so many insincere people. That is what it feels like to be a beautiful woman with men who want to get you into bed (which you must admit is the mindset behind “getting drunk and picking up on women without caring” who they are. This is, by the way, typically what makes women cold and mean…). Here is the secret: when women know you care about them sincerely, they are more likely to be interested in you sincerely—and sexually as well.

Fourthly, evaluate the kind of women you are approaching and see if there is a certain type or look that is causing you such dismay. It may be that you simply need to broaden your scope and search criteria. Look for women who are kinder instead of just prettier or a little less fit physically, but more fit personally.
Most importantly, don’t give up on love.

With Aloha,
Eve

www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com