Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What did you learn about love from being a teen?
Love Tip of the Week: Self-respect is critical to relationship respect. When you do something that doesn’t feel right to you, even if at the other person’s urging, in their hearts it won’t feel right to them either.
Teen Love
Mom wonders how to protect teenage daughter from pain.
Dear Eve,
I have a teenage daughter who is starting to date, and I’m wondering what words of wisdom and advice to give here. When I watch the “teen movies” and hear stories of teen pregnancy and honestly, remember how hard this time was in my own life, it scares me. I hate the thought of her having to learn the hard way. Do you have any suggestions on what I might tell her to help her avoid being hurt? Thanks.
Aloha,
First of all, I assure you your daughter will get hurt. I’ll share some tips for avoiding unnecessary hurt, but even more important is helping your daughter to know that she is strong, capable, and powerful and that she can overcome hurt. Resiliency, self-respect, self-esteem, confidence, perseverance, and wisdom are the things to focus on instilling in your daughter rather than how to avoid pain, as these things will both help her to avoid pain and to recover from it quickly.
What breaks my heart is to hear young women (and men) think that their lives are over when someone breaks up with them or doesn’t love them in return. Their music is full of codependent messages with variations on the theme, “I can’t live without you.” The truth is that they CAN live without him or her. We are misled in our society to think there is only one person out there for us, only one soul mate—only one great love. The truth is that out of millions of people there are far more than one with whom we can have a spiritual, physical, emotional and intellectual connection. Ultimately, all love is great love.
The important thing is to know who we are as individuals and that we can manage without a partner, so that we have more to offer to a partner.
With that said, there are definitely some things that pop into mind that are tidbits of advice for your teenager:
1) Know that your first love, and even your second love, and maybe even your third love are very unlikely to be your last(ing) love. So often teens start dreaming about happily-ever-after with the first person they date, which is understandable, but not realistic. While it does happen, it is not likely. Remember as you are dating that this is A love, not THE love and there will always be MORE love. Love is abundant, not scarce. Any scarcity we experience is not based on the truth about love, it is based on our (in)ability to access it.
2) Don’t let anyone tell you that “Puppy Love” isn’t real. It is real. Love is love, it doesn’t matter how old you are when you feel it and shouldn’t be dismissed as “less than” love. I still remember the boys that were the object of my “puppy love” and it was, perhaps, some of the purest love of my life. Rejoice in it. HOWEVER, don’t think that you have to make it last and don’t think that your love needs to be expressed the same way adult romantic love is expressed.
3) If you are looking for love, don’t mistake sex as the same thing. It isn’t. While “making love,” it will likely make you feel loving, but it won’t make you feel loved. It is like eating ice cream when you are hungry. It tastes good at the time but it doesn’t nourish you, and then often makes you feel worse shortly thereafter, because what your body was really craving was something healthy.
4) Remember that every action has a consequence. If you aren’t mature enough to handle the potential consequence (pregnancy, STD’s, heartbreak)—or your partner isn’t responsible enough— then you aren’t mature enough to do the deed.
I applaud you for your proactive efforts to educate your daughter and give her the advice she needs in order to take appropriate action. Continue to pay attention, ask and listen.
If anyone wants to send me their Tips for Teens, I’ll collect and share them.
