The Art of Flirting

"How to Make Someone Love You Forever! - In 90 Minutes or Less"

Flirting is more than just fun—it’s fundamental. Our entire survival as a species depends on human connection. If we stopped flirting, falling in love, and reproducing we’d soon disappear. But even though nature has endowed us with all the necessary parts we need to save ourselves from extinction, not everyone knows how to use them to their best advantage. This is particularly true when it comes to flirting.
Charlene, a manager with a large clothing chain, and Kira, a physiotherapist, arrive at the popular nightclub Galapagos early enough to get a table in the middle of the action, with a great view of the bar and the dance floor. Pretty soon the crowds wander in and the place fills up. Both women are fashionably dressed and look like they belong here. As Charlene talks to Kira, she scans the room and fiddles with some loose strands of her hair. Every couple of minutes she wiggles her body and, from time to time, puts her elbows on the table and rests her head on her hands, pouting and making eyes at the male prospects at the bar. Charlene thinks she’s being sexy, but she’s not. She’s doing what a lot of people, both male and female, do when they are out on the prowl: She’s confusing being sexy with being cute. In fact, her actions only make her look insecure and childish, giving off immature energy.

Kira, on the other hand, looks poised and composed. Most of the time she sits quietly, her head lowered ever so slightly, and pays attention to Charlene. Occasionally, as she sips her drink, her eyes will peer over the top of the glass and she’ll slowly take in the room. In fact, if you watch closely, Kira seems to be operating at half the speed of Charlene. She looks confident and secure and is giving off grown-up sexual energy.
Now Kira has spotted Harvey, a guy she recently saw at a party but never properly met. She’d been close enough that evening to overhear him talking about sailing in the Bahamas, and had thought he was attractive and interesting (Kira loves sailing). And now here he is with a couple of other guys, leaning against the bar. Kira keeps him in her peripheral vision and waits for him to turn in her direction.

As soon as he does, Kira counts to three, excuses herself, gets up from the table, and saunters toward the stairs up to the balcony, right past Harvey and his friends, hips subtly swaying, head slightly down. (Why the lowered head? Because we humans seem to be more intrigued by coyness than brashness.) Then Kira’s eyes fix on her target for a quick moment of contact. He sees her. The second she knows Harvey has noticed her, she looks away coyly. But before Harvey has time to react, Kira glances at him again, this time closing her eyes ever so slightly as she offers a hint of a smile. Harvey gets the message.

The promise-withdraw routine is the very heart of flirting. It’s used to create arousal.

What you just observed is what scientists call a promise-withdraw routine on the part of Kira and an arousal response on the part of Harvey. When it comes right down to it, creating excitement is all about tension and release, whether you’re talking about scary movies, roller coasters, or human sexuality. The promise-withdraw routine that Kira used on Harvey is the very heart of flirting. It’s used by both men and women to create arousal, and its dynamic is exactly what it says it is: giving attention, then taking it away, then giving it again—tension, release, tension; eye contact, look away, eye contact. One look doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but Kira sauntered in a provocative way, gave Harvey a second look, and smiled with her head slightly lowered to suggest coyness. All this adds up to an unmistakable signal of interest. Men and women all over the world use this basic routine, based on a woman’s saunter or a man’s swagger, accompanied by eye contact and a smile, to signal and arouse interest in another person.

So Kira has tacitly offered an invitation and moments later Harvey responds. He comes up the stairs to the balcony where he can plainly see Kira looking down at the dance floor below. He looks her in the eye, smiles, and introduces himself. “Another drink?” Harvey asks.

“Thanks, but . . .” Kira smiles and replies, “I’m here with a friend and we’re celebrating her promotion, so I really should get back to her.”

“Well,” Harvey replies, “You could invite me to celebrate with you. In fact, I’d be happy to buy some champagne. It’s always nice to have a real excuse to buy bubbly.” He grins.

Although Kira knows that Charlene wouldn’t mind if Harvey joined them, she says, “That’s very generous of you, but we promised ourselves a girls’ night out. You know, catch up on personal stuff.” She inclines her head, looking up at him briefly, then glances away.

Harvey asks, “How about tomorrow then—same time, same place, or same time, different place, or . . . ?”
Kira laughs. “Sorry, I’m not free tomorrow. But if you give me your number, I’ll call you after I look at my schedule. I’m sure we can do something at some point.”

The truth is, Kira knows that Charlene wouldn’t care if she spent a bit more time with Harvey. Similarly, she’s not that busy the following night—all she has planned is laundry. What Kira is doing is using the universally recognized principle of scarcity as part of her flirting strategy.

The Principle of Scarcity:

How to Make Yourself More Intriguing

As a general rule, human beings want more of what they can’t have, so a simple way to increase your desirability when flirting is to use the principle of scarcity. The idea is to give the impression that you are popular and in demand.

Yes, people (and even companies) use this ploy all the time, but our reaction to it is so instinctual that we never stop falling for it. For instance, everyone knows that it’s notoriously difficult to get reservations at the best restaurants, but that’s not necessarily because all the tables are really booked up. Similarly, fashion designers are very particular about where their lines are marketed, and their high price tags serve to exclude most buyers. When radio, television, and print advertisers bombard us with statements like “While supplies last,” “Limit two per customer,” “Limited edition,” and “Offer good only till Sunday,” they are working the principle of scarcity.

Working the Principle of Scarcity

How will taking advantage of this principle help make someone fall in love with you? By upping your “value” in the early stages of a relationship, making you seem rare, precious, and worth pursuing.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

If you could be a fly on the wall at Oggi, a popular hairdressing salon in Kansas City, you’d be amused to hear how the receptionist treats clients, new and old alike. It goes something like this:
“Oggi, good morning.”

“Hi Bethany, this is Paula Bishop.”

“Hey, Paula, how are you?”

“Bethany, I need a favor. Can you fit me in on Thursday at 11:00?” Bethany checks the appointment book and sees that time slot is, in fact, available.

“Sorry, Paula, we’re booked, but I can squeeze you in at 10:30 or at noon. Do either of those work?”
“Oh, thank you so much, Bethany. I’ll take 10:30. I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I’ll be there on the dot.”
The fact is, you’ll almost never get the time slot you want at Oggi, whether that time is available or not, unless you book weeks in advance. Why? Because the owners have figured out the principle of scarcity. They know that when people think something is in high demand, their perception of its value increases—and that keeps them coming back for more.

The De Beers diamond cartel does the same thing. By strictly regulating the world supply of diamonds, they have managed to create the illusion that diamonds are rare and therefore worth their hefty price tag. “A diamond

is forever” is a brilliant slogan, but the truth is, it is only forever because you can’t get rid of it—certainly not for anything like the amount you paid for it.

When something is in short supply, or even simply appears to be in short supply, we humans feel the urge to compete for it, whether it be land, power, favor, or especially the affections of another person. Conversely (some might say, perversely), study after study has shown that whatever seems more available is perceived as less valuable.

Let’s get back to our Galapagos scenario. Down on the main floor, the club is filling up. Carlos and his nephew Jason, who works in law enforcement, have just arrived and are sitting at the far end of the bar with a couple of beers. They’ve noticed Charlene sitting alone at the table, still pouting and staring at men she finds attractive. Her behavior doesn’t specifically register with them, but there is something about her that seems unsettled and rather unappealing. Their eyes move a few tables over to another woman who is also sitting alone. Dana is not fiddling with her hair in an obvious manner nor wiggling around trying to be cute. She is studying the drinks menu at her table, glancing up occasionally but not ogling the guys.

“Now there’s a pretty girl,” says Carlos. “What do you say? You’ve been single for at least six months now.”
Jason grins. “Yes, she’s very pretty, but I don’t know. . . .” He trails off.

“Now listen, I’ve got this foolproof method for getting to know a girl in a situation like this. I used it lots when
I was your age and it worked for me nearly every time.

In fact, that’s how I met your Aunt Luisa. First you spot a girl. Don’t make eye contact with her; just know where she is. Walk by her once but don’t look at her. Just stop and look around, then look the other way. Make sure she notices you’re looking for someone, then go away. A minute later you walk up to her and say, ‘I’ve been looking for you all over. I saw you in line (or in the crowd, or whatever) and I just had to tell you you’re absolutely gorgeous. This is no corny pickup line. I just wanted to tell you you’re beautiful.’”

Jason laughs and shakes his head, but Carlos continues. “No, listen, this is the real deal. At this point she might say thank you or whatever, but you just excuse yourself politely and leave. Leaving right away shows her that you’re a gentleman, and you’re not interested in pressuring her. It makes her feel more comfortable. Then about an hour later you spot her and make eye contact again and smile. If she likes you she’ll come up to you—it really works. Don’t underestimate flattery or compliments.”

Jason laughs again. “Well, Uncle Carlos, I think you’re right that most women want to feel like they’re good-looking or smart or talented, but times have changed. My generation doesn’t really believe in pickup lines. I mean, if you want to use a line, then you riff on something that’s happening instead, so hopefully it sounds more natural. Even if you say ‘Hi, I’m just trying to think up something to say because I really want to meet you,’ that’s more real and sincere than some line you got from someone or out of a book.”

“Okay, maybe you’ve got a point,” concedes Carlos. He nods in Dana’s direction. “So, are you going to go talk to her?”

Meanwhile, Dana has noticed the two guys at the end of the bar who look like they are talking about her. She likes the look of the younger one. She sits up straighter, glances at Jason while lowering her head slightly, then looks away.

“I think I will,” says Jason. He gets to his feet and approaches Dana. “Hi,” he says. “Listen. I just couldn’t help staring at you—forgive me. Can I sit here for a minute?”

“Sure,” says Dana, smiling slightly. “But it really has to be only a minute.”

“So why just for a minute?” Jason says as he eases his lanky frame into a chair. His tone is light and mildly flirtatious. He doesn’t want to appear nosy or aggressive.

“I'm with someone and we’ve got lots to catch up on,” Dana says, noticing that Jason didn’t introduce himself. Some guys consider this a power play, but she’s wise to it.

"How to Make Someone Love You Forever! - In 90 Minutes or Less"


Canned Moves = Bad Moves

I don’t believe in cheesy opening lines or tacky, rehearsed, smooth moves. From “I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away” to “Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?”  These ploys are totally passé. Most people are neither charmed nor fooled by any of them. Depending on the circumstances, simple questions like “Is this your first time here?” “Do you like this class?” or “I just read that book. What do you think of it?” are a thousand times more likely to work—as long as you’re sincere, spontaneous, and being yourself.

Jason picks up on the tiny grain of free information Dana offered and hopes he can use it to keep the conversation flowing without resorting to the usual clichés. He continues with the light tone. “Ah ha. Does that mean you’ve both been having adventures lately?”

Dana laughs. “Depends on your definition of adventure, I suppose. One of us finally found a terrific apartment, and the other got a job offer she was hoping for but wasn’t expecting.” She glances at his eyes, then looks away.

“Hmmm. And are you the apartment, or the job offer?”

“The job offer.”

“Congratulations,” Jason says, smiling.

“My friend’s heading back here.” Dana gives Jason a warm smile.

Dana could choose, of course, to invite Jason to stay at their table, but she instead uses the principle of scarcity. Jason asks if she’d like to get together the following Friday. Coincidentally, Dana is tied up that night. Jason asks for her phone number but she replies, “I’m Dana. Give me your number and I’ll call you.” She has not only upped her value, but she holds all the cards in this potential relationship.

Three Types of Flirting

We can break flirting down into three main types: public, social, and private. Public flirting is usually a spontaneous, amusing, and harmless way to brighten someone’s day, to add a little playtime to life or an otherwise routine relationship, and generally to spread a little happiness around. Social flirting (the kind you just saw in the Dana/Jason scenario) adds a sexual element to the mix, signaling interest. Private flirting is one-on-one, radiates sex appeal, and enhances your ability to make someone fall in love with you in 90 minutes or less. Naturally, your attitude, clothing, self-confidence, and personality all contribute to your ability to flirt but, whether you are a man or a woman, generating and sending out sexual messages through grown-up sexual energy is an integral part of making yourself more irresistible to a partner.

Personal Space

We all walk around within an invisible cocoon known as our personal space: The farther away someone is from us, the less threatening he is; the closer he gets, the more uncomfortable we can become—unless we’ve already decided to let him in.

Different cultures have different norms of personal space. For North Americans, the concentric circles of defense start roughly ten feet out (beyond which is public space), running from there to arm’s length (social space), then to within arm’s length (personal space), and finally to within a foot or so (private space). One of the biggest mistakes you can make during any first encounter is misjudging a person’s personal space and causing his or her emotional self-defense systems to kick in. In some everyday situations (on a crowded train or elevator, when sitting in a theater or flying coach) we’re able to turn off those defenses, but when we’re flirting, our senses are already heightened and unexpected intrusions can be a big turnoff.

Sex appeal is what separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Boys and girls strive for cute, but it’s the grown-up men and women, with their air of confidence, poise, and mystery, who exude real sex appeal.

Understanding the difference between cute and sexy is second nature in the world of fashion photography, especially when you’re shooting attention-getting magazine covers. Cute, adorable, and sweet have their place, but there’s no mistaking them for the show-stopping, magnetic pull of sex appeal. You put cute on the cover of Seventeen; you put sex appeal on the cover of GQ or Harper’s Bazaar. Cute is for kids, teens, and baby animals. Sexy is for grown-ups.

Public Flirting

We all flirt in one way or another from time to time: cooing and playing peekaboo with a baby, teasing friends or loved ones, surprising them with small gifts or doing something thoughtful and unexpected, playing hard-to-please, acting coy, or feigning astonishment at a risqué tale. These are all playful, flirtatious behaviors designed to heighten excitement and curiosity and entice a favorable response. There are many situations where you probably don’t even realize you’re flirting. You banter with the woman at the pharmacy or joke with the man at the dry cleaner. The guy at the deli counter smiles and addresses you by name every time he sees you. These are the kinds of interactions humans are designed to enjoy and respond to. Public flirtation is innocent, makes us feel good (it is, after all, a form of flattery), and keeps us in touch with other people. Don’t underestimate the importance of flirtation in your daily life.

Less Is More

If you’ve ever been to an auction or seen one in the movies, you’ll have noticed that when seasoned buyers make their bids, they are very subtle with their gestures and expressions—yet their offers always get noticed. These bidders are confident, nonchalant, and slightly mysterious. The amateurs, on the other hand, are very easy to spot. They’re the ones waving their hands or their programs to make sure they’re seen. Take your flirting cues not from the amateurs, but from the seasoned professional bidders. Don’t be pushy, don’t be obvious, don’t be overtly emotional, and don’t go out of your way to get attention. Here, as in so many other parts of life, less is definitely more.

Fortunately, you can take advantage of opportunities to flirt almost anywhere, anytime. You can flirt for seconds or minutes, and it can happen at work, when you travel, when you shop; at church, a ball game, a music club, a funeral, a wedding, or an AA meeting. But sooner or later, you’ll decide that someone with whom you’ve flirted deserves additional attention, and that you’re interested in finding out more about him or her. That’s when it’s time to try some social flirting.

Social Flirting

Social flirting is a friendly and playful way to let someone know that you’ve noticed him and are interested, and it can signal anything from “Hi, I like your style; let’s get to know each other better,” to “Catch me if you can and see what might happen.”

When we envision a typical social flirtation, we tend to picture two people chatting at a party or a bar or club. Both are beautifully dressed, they sip their wine elegantly, the camera cuts to a close-up of their eyes, sending unmistakable signals to each other as they make witty remarks loaded with sexual innuendo. That’s great, but there are many simpler and less cinematic forms of social flirtation. It’s all about making a personal connection and getting the chemistry flowing. You can use a hello or good-bye to emphasize how great things are when you’re together. You can lend her your jacket if she looks cold. You can “accidentally” brush up against him, or bump shoulders casually when walking down the street. Throw a quick glance. Compliment her. Cast him a sidelong gaze. Tell her how good she’d look in that sexy dress you see in the store window.
A woman can send sexual signals by licking her lips slightly, tracing the outline of her collar with her fingers, playing with her hair or jewelry, or running her hand down her thigh. A man can do the same by straightening his tie, running a hand through his hair, or gently tossing his head.

There’s obviously a fine line between too much sexual innuendo and not enough. As a general rule you should take care that your behavior isn’t sending mixed signals or promising more than you’re prepared to deliver. Flaunt your sexuality too much in your social flirting and you’ll probably come across as a tease and/or cute or silly. Too little flaunting and you run the risk of becoming just a friend.

Flirting in Action

Let’s look at an example. Genna is a naturally outgoing person who finds it easy to talk to strangers. While waiting at the Baltimore airport to board a flight to Memphis, she’s spotted a guy who seems both artistic and down-to-earth—just her type. He’s wearing a black T-shirt with jeans, his hair looks deliberately tousled, and his black leather bag looks worn, yet classy. He’s reading a newspaper and she notices he’s not wearing a wedding ring. She sits down opposite him, within his social space, and makes herself comfortable. The scene unfolds.

As she pushes her hair back, Genna “realizes” her left earring is missing. She glances down at her lap, then around her chair and under the seats next to her. The interesting-looking man has noticed her dilemma, and Genna sees that he’s smiling. She has his attention. She gazes directly at him, a little embarrassed, and shakes her head. “I just lost an earring somewhere.”

He offers to help, but they don’t find it.

“Did you have it on when you got here?” he asks as she sits back down. He sits back down, too, but this time he says, “May I?” and takes the seat next to her. He knows that moving into someone’s personal or private space can make them feel uncomfortable or even intimidated. (See box on page 202.)

“I’m not completely sure. I hope I didn’t lose it at the gallery.” (Note: free information!)

“What does it look like?”

Genna turns her head, moves a little closer, and brushes her hair back to show him the remaining earring dangling from her lobe.

After some small talk in which he asks her about the gallery and learns that Genna will be on business in Memphis for four days, he asks her if she’d like to meet up and do something. It’s his hometown. He knows all the good spots.

She says she’s not sure about her schedule but asks for his phone number. This is obviously not the first time Genna has lost an earring when she’s sitting close to an attractive guy! By involving him in an amusing predicament, she’s lured him into conversation, learned enough to know that she’s really attracted to him, engineered a subtly sexual moment (getting close enough to show him the other earring), and maneuvered him into asking her out. Had she decided she wasn’t interested after all, she could have been less forthcoming or, if it went that far, turned down his offer to meet. They would have continued to talk graciously for a minute or two, then wished each other a pleasant flight and gone their separate ways.

Flirting Is for Everyone

If you feel flirting-challenged, or if you feel that you’re not attractive or clever or interesting enough to get away with it, don’t worry. Flirting, in general, has more to do with playfulness and vitality than with broad shoulders or a pretty face.

Dr. Monica Moore, a psychologist at Webster University in St. Louis, has conducted research on the flirting techniques used in singles bars, shopping malls, and places young people go to meet each other. She concluded that it’s not the most physically appealing people who get approached, but the ones who signal their availability through basic flirting techniques like eye contact and smiles. Just signaling your interest in someone gets you halfway there, whether you’re a man or a woman.

"How to Make Someone Love You Forever! - In 90 Minutes or Less"

Private Flirting

Now that we’ve looked at the principles behind the ancient and respected art of flirting, it’s time to put those principles to work for you through private flirting. Unlike public and social flirting, private flirting is strictly about sex appeal—not the sort that’s for public consumption, but the one-on-one sort. It’s about two people detecting and responding to each other’s energy.

When you’re with someone who may be your matched opposite and the clock is ticking, you’d better know how to flirt one-on-one and show off your sex appeal; if not, your burgeoning relationship can very easily slip into just-friends mode. Consider this next section the Kama Sutra of flirting.

Toning Up Your Sexual Vibes

To get to love, you have to learn how to muster and harness your sexual energy and then deliver it as part of your overall personality package. Sound daunting? Actually it’s a piece of cake—or rather, four pieces, which I call getting physical, getting grounded, eye work, and practice dating.

Getting Physical

Getting physical is about getting in touch with your body through exercise—a necessity, since sexuality is deeply bound up in your physical, animal self. To be a really effective private flirt, you have to be deeply, viscerally attuned to that part of you.

You might have already gotten involved in a new physical activity as part of your socializing action plan, but if not, sign up for some classes. Even a one- or two-week program will do the trick. Skydiving, kickboxing, belly dancing, yoga, tennis, weight lifting, tae kwon do, rumba lessons—anything in which your body is 100 percent involved. Find the best instructor or association around. He or she will be your first flirt ally, helping you tune in to your own physical awareness.

Men Swagger, Women Saunter

Guys, if you never saw Saturday Night Fever, you missed the best swagger routine ever filmed: John Travolta’s famous walk down the street to the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive.” Rent the movie and buy two pairs of the most expensive, sexiest underwear you can find. (I’ll explain why in a minute.) Watch the film, then put on a pair of your fancy new briefs (and the rest of your clothes!) and go for a swagger. Walk down the street, along the boardwalk, or through the mall with a smile on your face and “Stayin’ Alive” playing in your head, and try to make eye contact with every attractive woman you see. Don’t stop until you feel you’re the sexiest guy in town. Just remember to keep it subtle.

Ladies, buy a copy of Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto performing the song “The Girl from Ipanema” and two pairs of the sexiest, most expensive panties you can find. Learn at least the first verse by heart, up to and including, “and when she passes, each one she passes goes, ‘ahhh.’” Then put on a pair of those panties and your other clothes, and go for a saunter. Take the dog for a walk, or stroll to the office or to class. As you hear the music in your mind, lower your head ever so slightly, make eye contact, and smile at those lucky enough to be blessed by your attention.

This exercise is a must. You have to bring your sexiness to the surface if you’re going to make a deep connection with another person. If you can’t feel your sexiness, no one else will.  Oh, here’s why the sexy, expensive underwear: because you’re going to have The Look written all over your face, the one that says, “I have a secret!” And I told you to buy two pairs because you’re going to wear the other, brand-new pair when you go out with your matched opposite. That should keep a smile on your face!

If you’re exercising individually, avoid distractions like watching TV on the treadmill or listening to a Walkman while you jog. Instead, listen to your body by cycling your awareness over and over from your pelvis to the pit of your stomach to your chest to your throat, and back to your pelvis. This sets your sexual energy in motion.

Getting Grounded

In the story at the beginning of this chapter, you noticed that Kira moved at half the speed of Charlene. Kira was grounded; she knew how to breathe. When you control your breath you automatically calm your nerves and relax, which in turn allows you to control your mind and your body and expand your power and energy.
There may be times when you’re dating or approaching people and you suddenly feel nervous or anxious or inadequate. You want to make a run for it. This is because you’ve entered panic mode or, at the very least, your fight or flight mechanism has kicked in and involuntarily put you into flight mode. When this mechanism picks up signals that you are nervous or uncomfortable with a situation, it starts to pump adrenaline and shifts your breathing into your chest—so you are literally ready for a quick sprint for the hills.

To be an effective private flirt, you have to be deeply attuned to your physical self.

Unfortunately, your partner may pick up on this and also experience discomfort, and the whole thing can start to come undone. But stay calm. This is where belly breathing (or diaphragmatic inhalation, to give it its proper name) comes in, helping to ground you. I won’t go into the vast science behind belly breathing; suffice it to say that when you breathe by pushing out your belly, your diaphragm is pulled down, which in turn allows your lungs to fill to capacity, give or take a few nooks and crannies at the top. This puts more oxygen into your blood with less effort from your heart. As a result, you literally slow down, that panicky feeling subsides, and you can resume encouraging your chosen one to fall in love with you, sans sweaty palms and shallow breath.
As well as being the most efficient way to breathe, diaphragmatic inhalation also massages your abdominal organs with every breath and improves your circulation, so get into the habit to enhance both your emotional and physical well-being. Over the next few days, whenever you can, place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen, and practice breathing in and out until the hand on your navel is the only one that moves.

Making Eyes

The word flirt in its current meaning dates back to mid-eighteenth-century England, where Lady Frances Shirley is credited with coining the term fan flirts to describe women who used the flitting rhythm of their fans (in combination with movements from their eyes and mouths) to tease and send sexual signals. Public use of the fan may be gone, but flirting is still first and foremost about “making eyes.”

Flirting begins with the eyes because, as in most face-to-face communication, your signals go where your eyes go. After that you can flirt with your mouth (a smile, a pout), with your personality, with your shyness or your coyness, or with your sense of humor. You can flirt with words or with food and drinks. You can flirt for business or for pleasure, with goals or without. The possibilities are endless, but first you must make eyes.

Flirting begins with the eyes because, as in most face-to-face communication, your signals go where your eyes go.

Most of you know what it’s like when you drive at night and shift you car headlights from high beam to low beam. They go from shining straight out in front to slightly lower down and a little more spread out, from illuminating the distance to illuminating the space immediately ahead, from dazzling drivers coming toward you to letting them know you’ve seen them and that it’s safe to keep coming.

You can and must do the same thing when you are with your date. The most irresistible and sensual technique in flirting one-on-one is to make eye contact with your man or woman, then shift your gaze every five or ten seconds from their eyes to their mouth, then back again. This was how a fan flirt would beguile her suitors, first using the fan to hide her mouth and reveal only her eyes (as she gazed from her partner’s eyes to his mouth and back again), then, while she looked him in the eye, lowering the fan to reveal her own mouth while lowering her eyes to gaze at his mouth. All the while she would use the gentle rhythm of the fan strokes to intensify the sexual innuendo. After a heart-stopping moment, she would cover her mouth again with the fan and bring her eyes back to his. Yow! Throw in a gentle tilt of the head at the right moment and the slightest lowering of the head and you have a loving symphony of inviting body language—all from the neck up.

Looking and Loving

“Love was just a glance away,” Frank Sinatra sang in the song “Strangers in the Night,” and boy, was he right. A slow, deliberate gaze across a crowded room, or better still, while walking slowly toward the person, will let him or her know you’re interested. Just remember we’re talking gaze here, not a steely stare or a loony gawk.
In a study to determine the effects of the mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love, researchers at Clark University in Massachusetts had 48 pairs of male and female strangers gaze deeply into each others’ eyes without looking away for various lengths of time. The subjects reported significant feelings of affection and even passionate love for each other.

Don’t bother with the fan, but do alternate your gaze from the eyes to the mouth when talking with your date. It’s a very, very subtle move but make no mistake: It signals sex.

You will have to practice your eye work, so choose a few people from your daily life on whom to try out these techniques. Be aware of your own body, belly breathe low and slow, synchronize your body language, and make eyes as you talk.

Practice Dating

You wouldn’t go for your driving test without practicing first and you wouldn’t bake an apple pie for your favorite uncle without testing the recipe, so why on earth would you go on an important date without practicing first? Here’s where your next group of flirting allies step up to the plate.

Arrange two or three “safe dates” with people you feel good with: a friend, someone you haven’t seen in a while, someone’s brother. Just don’t pick someone with whom you already have a well-established pattern of behavior, which you might slip back into without thinking. These low-stakes dates are to help you practice your new skills and evaluate what you feel good about and what needs work, but without the attendant anxiety of a real date and real expectations. The more you practice dating, the better you’ll get, but two practice dates is the absolute minimum you’ll need before you go on a real date with someone who could be your matched opposite. Some good places for a practice date would be a miniature golf course, a bowling alley, the zoo, a trade show, an exhibition, a pottery class, maybe even a pool hall. This type of place provides you with an activity that will help to break the ice and gives you something to talk about. You’re not going to seduce the person or make them want to give up the world for you, but you are going to make them feel warm and tender towards you. Remember, ask lots of questions and share information about yourself. Look for “Me too” moments and try an incidental touch or two. Act like an adult, be aware of your body and your sexuality, practice your eye work, belly breathe, synchronize, have fun, and above all keep the conversation and the mood upbeat and positive.

"How to Make Someone Love You Forever! - In 90 Minutes or Less"

Now He’s Talking Her Language

One of the most profound ways you can be matched with someone else is through the way you both “make sense” of the world around you. We do this by taking information from the outside world in through our senses and then putting these sensory experiences into words.

In our day-to-day lives we rely mainly on three senses: sight, sound, and touch (or, more broadly, physical sensation). As we move through childhood, each of us starts without consciously realizing it to develop a favorite among our senses to help us understand the world: Some rely more on the way things look, some on the way things sound, and others on how things feel. Although matched opposites tend not to be matched in their primary sense preferences, here’s an example of why this is important when you’re making someone fall in love with you.

Where to Go on a Date?

More than anything, a date requires talking. That rules out movies, sports events, and other super noisy (or super silent) locations. When planning any real date, ask yourself these four questions:
• Is it somewhere he or she will feel safe?
• Is it something he or she will enjoy?
• Is it somewhere we can talk?
• Is it different? This is not going to be a normal event; it’s supposed to be special, for both of you. Normal is easy; it’s everywhere. This event needs an original context.
Keep in mind, if you’ve met your matched opposite, you may be remembering this date for the rest of your life. Try to make it special.

Ben has decided he can just as easily read through his notes for tomorrow’s presentation at a beachfront café as he can in the office. Now he’s sitting on the patio, trying not to get too distracted by the colorful parade of people strolling, rollerblading, or walking their dogs along the boardwalk. Jackie, a graduate student who comes here all the time in the spring, is at the next table cramming for an upcoming midterm exam.
When the waiter comes over, Jackie orders a double espresso and a slice of almond cake. Without realizing it (maybe), Ben orders the same thing. The waiter notices and gives a little mental shrug. When he comes back, he puts Jackie’s order in front of her and says, “One double espresso, one almond cake,” then moves over to Ben’s table and says the same thing exactly the same way. Ben and Jackie look at each other and laugh.
Twenty minutes later the waiter returns. Ben orders another coffee and takes the opportunity to lean over and ask Jackie, “Same again?”

“Thanks. Maybe later.” She smiles.

After an hour or so and a little playful flirting through eye contact and smiles, Ben and Jackie get talking. Now it’s near the end of the day. Ben plucks up his courage and decides to take things a step further.
Although he’s not aware of it, Ben is a visual person, one who’s learned to respond to the world through the way things look. “Do you want to take a walk down the beach to see the sunset?” he suggests. “I love the way the sky changes color so fast, and seeing the lights come on in the cafés as it gets dark. It’s such a great sight.” Did you notice? Ben talks about the way things look.

“I don’t know,” Jackie replies. “I don’t think I feel like it. I’m comfortable here for a little while longer and then I’ve got to go. But thanks.” Did she say feel and comfortable? Maybe Jackie can’t easily relate to Ben’s little sketch of the sunset. Why? Because Jackie is a touchy-feely kind of person who has learned to rely more on the way things feel, and make her decisions accordingly. Jackie is kinesthetic.

As we move through childhood, each of us starts without consciously realizing it to develop a favorite among our senses to help us understand the world.

Fortunately, Ben has read about the different ways people process experiences, so he recognizes Jackie’s choice of words and also notices her comfortable, baggy clothes. He also notes that she speaks rather slowly and often looks down when she’s thinking. The way to her heart, then, is to tell her how it’ll feel, not look, to go for a walk along the beach at sunset. Ben tries again.

“You know what I like most though about walking on the beach?” he asks.
“No,” she says. “What?”

“It’s the softness of the sand, and the way the water swirls up around your ankles, and that sort of salty warm mist that hangs in the air around you. You know what I mean?”

Jackie tilts her head and grins. “Hmm. Now you’re making me feel like I’ve earned a break. Why not?” She shuts her books, stuffs them into her backpack, and gives it a playful slap. “Hold on for a minute—I’ll just go freshen up.”

If Jackie had been an auditory person instead of a kinesthetic person, he would have noticed that her gaze tended to drift sideways either to the left or right (toward her ears) when she’s thinking, or if she talks about the way things sound. In that situation, he would have done well to invite her for a walk along the beach by saying something like, “You know what I like most about walking on the beach? The sound of the waves as they break, and that gentle hiss as the surf glides up the sand, and the gulls calling overhead, and the sounds of the music as it drifts out from the cafés, and. . . .”

When you match yourself up with another person’s favorite sense, you are not only talking the same language, but also seeing through the same eyes, hearing through the same ears, and feeling through the same feelings—and that can be a powerfully seductive thing.
Which description of the walk along the beach did you most easily relate to?

How to Identify People’s Sensory Preferences

Visual people are the snappy, impeccably tailored folks who dress to impress and judge others by their appearance. Visuals make quick decisions but need to see evidence. They frequently look up to the left and the right when looking for answers to questions. A visual person may wave his or her hands around when talking and have a fast-paced, monotone voice that seems to come from high up in his or her body. Visuals use picture language, saying things like “I see what you’re saying,” “That looks good,” “Do you see my point of view?” “That idea isn’t clear,” “I’m hazy about that,” “My mind went blank,” “Let’s try and shed some light on the subject,” “We need a new perspective,” “I view it this way,” “The way I see it . . .” and “Looking back on it now. ..”
Auditory people are often relaxed and stylish in the way they dress. They have more melodic, smooth, fluid, and expressive voices that come from the chest area. They gesture somewhat less than visuals, and may look from side to side (toward their ears) when thinking about what they’ll say next. Auditory people favor sound language, saying things like “I hear you,” “That rings a bell,” “Sounds terrific,” “Everything just suddenly clicked,” “Listen to yourself,” “Something tells me to be careful,” and “I can really tune in to what you’re saying.”

Don’t Try Too Hard

In a study conducted at Princeton University, students of both sexes were questioned about their methods of sizing up people when they meet for the first time. Overeagerness was one of the most reported turnoffs. Don’t smile too hard, don’t try to be too witty, don’t be overpolite, and resist the temptation to be patronizing. If you’re putting on an act, you’ll come across as a phony. Sure, be friendly and smile, but avoid having a grin on your face all the time. People who don’t know when to stop smiling and grinning end up appearing insecure and foolish.

Kinesthetic people are all about feeling and physical sensation. They care about comfort in their clothing and surroundings. While many kinesthetic folks tend to have somewhat fuller figures, you’ll also find many athletes are kinesthetic. They have slower speech, easy-going voices and gestures, and tend to look down when they think about what to say next. Kinos make decisions slowly, pay attention to detail, and speak in physical language, using phrases like “It just feels right,” “Let’s get a handle on things,” “Do you grasp the concepts?” “I’m up against the wall,” “Hang in there,” and “I can’t put my finger on it, but I have a feeling you’re right.”

Remember, Flirting Is Fun

Some people are born to flirt, others have natural flirting skills that seem to come and go depending on the circumstance, and some of us just have no clue and need to be taught—but we all have the potential. Flirting can move a regular pleasant conversation to a different level or create an air of expectancy that says, “It’s just the two of us.” You can flirt with your eyes, your mouth, your body, your voice, your sex appeal, your words, and any of your senses.

Public flirting is just a question of attitude—you don’t have to be intense about it. Every day you come in contact with people left, right, and center, whether you’re at a bar, on the bus, or at a pottery class. So make eye contact, smile, and go over and say “Hi” if it feels right. Social flirting revolves around a promise-withdraw routine and is a playful way to signal that you’re interested in someone. Private flirting is about intensifying playfulness and sexual overtones as you make that special someone fall in love with you. If you flirt with panache and subtlety, you’ll make yourself irresistible.

"How to Make Someone Love You Forever! - In 90 Minutes or Less"