Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you value more than relationships?
Love Tip of the Week: Just as there is no such thing as “puppy love” in the young, there is no such thing as too old to find real love, either.
Too Old to Love? Never!
Too Stubborn? Maybe!
Dear Eve
I have been out of the dating pool for a long time and have become very set in my ways. I know I have to compromise to have another person in my life, but I don't want to give it up. Should I still try for real love? I was married, but don't think I have met my "soulmate." I am 57, almost 58. Am I too old to start over? THANKS.
Aloha,
Well, the question I have for you is what, exactly, is the “it” you don’t want to give up? Your answer to this question makes all the difference in the world as to how I answer your question. For instance, if you don’t want to give up gambling, drugs and sex with various other people, my answer would be that real love may be pretty tough to find, or rather keep, under those circumstances. If you simply don’t want to give up leaving your dirty socks on the floor and your dirty dishes in the sink, then you can probably still hold out for true love. If it is your spiritual beliefs and practice that you are unwilling to give up on, more power to you. If it is staying out until the wee hours every night that you are unwilling to compromise on, that probably won’t work.
You need to really take a look at what you are willing to compromise on, and what you are not in order to determine whether you are a likely love candidate. Non-negotiable issues are those issues that are so important to you that you are not willing to compromise them, no matter what, and knowing what they are can assist you in relationships, no matter what your age. We all have non-negotiable issues, or perhaps more accurately, we all should have core values that matter so much to us that nothing and no one can drive a wedge between us and our convictions.
On the other hand, you also need to take a look at whether you are just being stubborn. As you evaluate what is truly important to you and what you are just unwilling to give up or compromise on, remember that the cost of being stubborn (which is just a form of ego) is love; whenever you hold on to a behavior that is in conflict with a relationship you are making a choice between that behavior and love. So make sure you are clear about what you are choosing. If it is truly an important core value, you are wise to be uncompromising. If it is something relatively meaningless to you but you are just “set in your ways,” know that you can change any given moment when you want to change. You just have to decide what is important to you, transcend your ego and align your behaviors, thoughts and words with your authentic self, your heart.
When I was twenty-one I took care of my ninety-four year old grandmother for a year. She had a seventy-year-old man renting a room in our house. Grandma—94, would tell me—21, to go ask the “young man downstairs”—70, a question. Age is definitely a matter of perspective and attitude. You are not too old to change and you are not too old to love—unless, of course, you think you are.
