Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Month: What are you pretending not to notice?
Love Tip of the Month: Pay attention to what people say and do. Pay attention to what you say and do. Notice that which you have been pretending not to notice, and then make your decisions.
Dear Eve,
I met someone in person who I connected with through e-mail and a phone conversation. We met kissed there seemed to be attraction. He claims he got into a relationship too quickly after he left his marriage. He wants three months to meet a lot of women to see who is out there.
He calls me on the phone maybe three or four times a week and claims he would like to see me again. Then he says he doesn’t want to mislead me. Then he says he likes me. Then he says it is lust, but he does like me. He also states he is not intimate with anyone right now. He met about six other women the week he met me and rarely sees the same woman more than once.
Do I continue to return his calls, continue my phone flirting, and try to see him or do I play it totally cool and let him totally pursue me??? Thanks.
Hi....
It sounds to me like you need to really pay attention to what this guy is saying and doing. If he just got divorced, he is undoubtedly on the rebound and to immediately get seriously involved with the first woman he meets is probably not a good idea. He needs time (possibly more than three months) not just to meet a lot of women, but to reacquaint himself with himself. When we are in relationships, especially marriages or long-term partnerships, we tend to start molding ourselves and our lives to fit the puzzle piece of the other person. Before long, we only know ourselves in relationship to the other person. When the other person is no longer on the scene, it takes a while for us to rediscover who we are without the relationship. It really isn't wise of him to jump into a serious relationship before he has finished mourning the last one, or before he has discovered who he is and what he wants.
What all this means about you is that it would be equally unwise to push him into being in a relationship with you before he is ready—especially since he has told you he needs the time. If he goes against his own better judgment and gets involved too soon, he will eventually resent the situation and you in the process. Everything he is saying and doing looks like a warning light to me. He is warning you not to get too invested in a relationship with him. He is warning you that he is not available. You, my dear, need to pay attention to the warning lights... Now, some people see a traffic light turn yellow and they punch the gas to get to the other side. Other people see a traffic light turn yellow and they perceive it as "caution, possible danger" and they stop. You my friend are seeing the yellow light and punching it to get to the other side.
It honestly sounds like you can take this guy's words at face value. He likes you, is attracted to you, enjoys your company but he is not ready for a serious relationship. He doesn't want to lead you on because he doesn't want you to think that he is ready for more than he is. You need to consider what your personal relationship goals are. If you are looking for a serious relationship, this guy may not be the one for you. If you are interested in just enjoying someone on more of a "casual dating" relationship, then continue returning his calls, flirting and enjoying the developing friendship. Just pay attention to the message the "yellow light" is sending, rather than pretending that it is a green light to proceed.
