Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What are you ignoring?
Love Tip of the Week: When you compromise your values for a relationship, you compromise both your happiness and your relationship.
Hello,
My question is really hard. I met someone online. We met twice and the sparks and the passion was totally there. He even admitted that we clicked so well. We just absolutely compliment each other. Problem: he feels that we are incompatible even though we just totally click. He does not believe in God and I do. He feels that I cannot be spontaneous because of my son. He feels the distance (four hours away) is a problem. Oh yes, he doesn't want to be the one to take me away from my family. Yet, he still calls to see how I am and what I am up to. As far as religion goes, I never try to impose it on him. I respect his opinions totally. He did admit his comment about my not being spontaneous was off the mark. But, as far as taking me away from my family, if I feel the same that I do for him now as I would in six-eight months I would follow him to the end of the world. However, he knew all of this before he contacted me. Do you think he is confused? Or is he testing me like my sister thinks. Now remember, I don't call him. Oh yes, his mother was a single mother with two boys. What do you think? I am not waiting around for him!!
Aloha,
Yes, I think he is confused—because he KNOWS that there are some very serious core value differences between the two of you that will interfere with your relationship down the line (guaranteed) AND he is attracted to you. This definitely causes confusion...
One of things that we humans do, particularly women, is let our desire for a relationship cause us to overlook serious core differences. That, my dear, is what you are doing.
Stop. Take a deep breath and hold on tight to your values. He is being WISE in deciding not to proceed in a relationship with you, and you are being romantic (and blinded by desire) by being willing to give up sharing your spirituality with the one you love, being close to your family, and pulling your son away from the support of your family as well.
I have found that people almost always tell us at the beginning of a relationship what the problems are likely to be later. He is telling you that your religious difference is an issue for him. You are only thinking about whether this is an issue for you. However, I’m not sure you are being honest or far-sighted in how much of an issue this will be. Consider being with a man who is teaching your children that there is no God, while you are teaching them there is. This will undoubtedly be an issue for you.
He is also telling you that he doesn’t want to pull you away from your family, which may be the polite way (or unclear way) of telling you that he doesn’t want you constantly pulled away from him by your family later. You may think you would follow him to the ends of the earth now or even six-eight months from now, but what about when your family is ill (or you are), or when your sister has kids (or you do) and you are many hours away from being able to help each other and share in life’s delights and difficulties. When we are in the midst of our independence, it is easy to think that we can handle being away from our families, but when situations and circumstances change, we may not find that so easy.
While you are not the one doing the calling, you are also not listening to what he is saying. He is, indeed, “testing” you, but passing the test doesn’t mean you make major life decisions only on what feels good. You must also make decisions on what is good—for you, your son and your potential partner.
I wish you the best,
Much aloha
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com
|
