Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What are You Waiting For?
Love Tip of the Week: As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. Be sure that opportunities to live are not being missed while you are waiting for a life. Life is here, now.
Dear Eve,
My girlfriend of three years decided that since I was only the second guy she had ever dated (her ex-husband and me) that she should now date other guys to be sure our being together is perfect. It's been six months and she dated many guys for about a month. Now she is with someone just over ten years younger than herself. I think she is repeating the same thing. Is there any hope in being the first person a newly divorced person has a relationship with or should one wait for that person to have many relationships? Do relationships that start right after divorce ever work out?
Aloha,
These are tough questions because they require a generalized answer and every person and situation is different.
In a nutshell, the problem isn't usually so much being the first person someone dates after a divorce, but how soon after the divorce the dating starts. People need time to heal and let go. That time may come in the form of time alone; it may come in the process of dating several people. However, we don’t generally need to date other people to find out whether an existing relationship is “perfect,” rather, we date other people to find another relationship that we hope will be perfect—or we date other people in an effort to discover more about ourselves, our likes, dislikes, needs and boundaries. After a divorce or long-term relationship, this time can be a great teacher.
The only thing that will let us know whether we are right with someone is spending time with them—three years is certainly adequate. That your girlfriend has dated you for three years and is now not sure, indicates to me that her reason is just an excuse for breaking up.
Ultimately, the real issue for you isn’t whether a relationship right after a divorce can work, but rather, if a relationship with your girlfriend can work. It appears that your girlfriend is moving on. In fact, it seems inaccurate to call her your “girlfriend” if she has been dating other people for six months and now is dating one exclusively. I’m quite sure he thinks she is his girlfriend.
While it is always possible that she will suddenly get tired of dating around and come back to you with open arms, does it seem likely to you? Has she made any indication that she will be back? Has she asked you to wait? Does she call you? Is she responsive to your calls? Is she behaving like your “girlfriend” or your “ex-girlfriend”?
Ask yourself if you are willing to wait for her, with the full knowledge that she may not come back. If you are, then establish a time line for which you are willing to put your love life on hold (two months? six months?) and hang in there.
You don’t want to let this arrangement go on indefinitely or too much of your life could pass you by while you are waiting for her to come back. If this arrangement is unacceptable to you, then take whatever time you need to heal the loss of this relationship and then begin meeting new people and dating again yourself.
I know it is hard to start over, especially when you really care for someone, but sometimes you have to draw the line, establish your boundaries, and carry on with your life—especially when they have. Sometimes a relationships purpose is to help us define our boundaries. Through this, you will undoubtedly discover yours.
I wish you the best.
With Aloha
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.co
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