Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What defines friendship for you?
Love Tip of the Week: Honesty is a primary ingredient for making love. If it is missing, you are making something else. A mistake, perhaps?
Dear Eve,
I have this guy that I see when I can. We’re only friends, but I think I’m falling for him. We have sex when I see him and it’s good and we go out like on a date, but I need help. I want to tell him that I'm falling for him, but it seems like I would scare him away. We keep on telling each other we’re just friends, but I want it to be more and I hurt so much. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me.
Hi,
This is an issue of clarity and honesty—or a total lack thereof. Let’s start with getting totally clear. If you are having sex, you are NOT just friends. The term “just friends” generally means you are not romantically interested in each other. You may be lovers and friends, but what it sounds like you are is lovers who are pretending that you are just friends and who are being dishonest with yourselves and each other about what is really going on. Don’t kid yourself by thinking that you are not in a “relationship,” you are. It just happens to be an unfulfilling one in which you are not getting what you want or deserve and which is causing you pain.
So, here is the lesson in honesty. You need to determine what the “more” is that you are wanting and any expectations you have of him. Clarify how you truly feel and what you truly want. You also need to determine what is okay with you, i.e. what really feels good all the way to your soul and what is not, i.e. what causes you emotional pain.
Then you need to have a heart to heart honest conversation with him and let him know how you are feeling and what you want. If he says, “What about just being friends with benefits?” Explain to him that you thought you could handle that, but you can’t and that they call it “making love” because it does. Let him know how you feel and that you would like the rest of the relationship that usually comes with being lovers. If he leaves because you have feelings for him, then you need to come to grips with the fact that he is clearly only involved with you in order to get sex. If it scares him away to have responsibility attached to having sex, then that should scare you—right away from him. You are talking about a man (boy? I do not know your age) with whom you could get pregnant and be parents of a child with; someone whom you are putting your health and physical well-being in his care! If you are able to get naked and have sex with him, you should certainly be able to talk to him. In fact, there should be a prerequisite to having sex with a guy—clarity, honesty and trust that you can both talk about your feelings and needs as the relationship changes and grows.
Any time that what you are doing is causing you this much pain, you clearly need to make new choices. Either wait until you have a loving commitment and clear agreement with someone before you have sex, or don't have sex, or talk to the guy about the truth of your feelings, but if you continue lying to him and yourself by pretending that you are “just friends” when you are in a sexual relationship, you are going to continue to hurt.
I'm sorry. I hope he wants the same things you do.
With aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
