Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What is Acceptable to You?
Love Tip of the Week: Commitment is putting both feet on the same side of a decision.
Dear Eve,
I am frustrated with my girlfriend. We are both around 40 years old and previously married. We met online and spent quite a bit of time talking on the phone before meeting. Everything has clicked (i.e. chemistry, physically, emotionally, spiritually, common values/goals etc). We've discussed marriage and both feel it will lead to that eventually. Unfortunately, my work is requiring us to have a long distance relationship for a few months.
My problem is that there is a gentleman that lives in the same town as my girlfriend whom she dated about four years ago and also had sex with. She claims he is just a "good friend" and that it will never be anything more. She says she would never go back to him because she couldn't live with his personality quirks.
However, he calls her at least once or twice a day. In the past three weeks he has taken her out to a dinner a few times, up the mountain for a day to take pictures and also had her over for dinner. She doesn't want to tell him that she is dating me because she is afraid it will hurt his feelings, ruin their "friendship" and make him mad. This is what upsets me the most and is the most hurtful.
It is very apparent that he is trying to get her back in his life. Even she feels that he wants her back. I think she is being quite naive to the whole situation or is deceiving him by allowing him to continue to think they could get back together again when she has no intention of doing so. Am I just being overly insecure or is there truly a problem here that needs to be addressed. If so how would you suggest going about handling this?
Signed,
Frustrated
Aloha,
In my opinion (which is solely based on your side of the story), you have a right to be concerned. This guy isn’t “trying to get her back in his life”—she is already there! Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, even ones you’ve dated before—if everyone is on the same page about the nature of all the relationships involved. If this man knew about you and perhaps even did things with both of you on occasion, it would be less of a concern. However, as it is, there is dishonesty and deception involved. She is deceiving him by not telling him about you and is either using him, or lying to you about what is really going on with him; Either way—not good. Ironically, she seems more concerned about hurting his feelings and losing his friendship by telling him the truth, than hurting your feelings and potentially losing your relationship by not telling him the truth. While you feel she is being naïve, you have to be sure that you aren’t the naïve one.
If she is seriously planning to get married to you, she needs to be honest with others about your relationship; you need to trust her. And, if she is going to continue to be the other guy’s "friend", she needs be honest with him. If she loses his friendship over the truth, then it wasn't really just a "friendship."
My hope is that she just doesn’t realize she is being unfair to you and unfair to the other guy. Ask her to imagine how she would feel if you were hanging out with your ex everyday and not telling her that you were involved with someone else—or perhaps how used she would feel if she were in the other guy’s position.
Ultimately, you can't change her; you can only offer a new perspective. If she doesn't see it, the ball is in your court. You need to decide whether you can accept this behavior in your life, or not. What doesn't work is deciding it is unacceptable, but staying in the relationship anyhow. All that will do is kill the love in the relationship by creating a lot of resentment.
Hopefully, when you insist on honesty, she will recognize her priorities and clean this situation up. If she doesn’t, it will be you who must determine your priorities.
With Aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
