Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What is the Good News About Your Bad News?
Love Tip of the Week: A positive attitude speaks far louder to a heart than a negative attitude does.
Dear Eve,
I’ve been dating online but my problem is that most of the people live outside of my transportation range on a bicycle. I have five types of seizures, so I choose not to drive for everyone’s safety, besides the stress of driving would only bring on more seizures. So, I limit my search within ten miles, so my selection is really small compared to what is sent to me as potential matches.
How would you handle this, not only for me but for other people in the same spot?
Hi,
The driving issue is far easier to handle in terms of dating than the seizure issue, but the solution to both is to be honest in your profile and emails and let your potential mates know what you want, what you need, and what you have to offer.
In any situation in which a handicap of some sort is involved (whether that be simply not owning a car, having your license taken away for a previous DUI, to physical disabilities that limit your mobility) it is fair to simply state in your profile, “I am unable to drive but I get around quite well on my bike.” Anyone who reads that will understand that they will simply need to be the one doing the driving on a date, but also assures them that if a relationship develops, they won’t have to be responsible for driving you to work, etc.
Your health issues are a bit trickier.The thought of starting a relationship with someone who has a potentially life-threatening problem is pretty scary for most people. It raises issues of concern over having to become a caregiver, being faced with a potential emergency and not knowing how to handle it, and the fear of falling in love with someone you are going to lose. Therefore, it is very important that you educate potential mates in your profile or initial emails so that they don’t dismiss you out of ignorance about what ails you, your prognosis and what they will be called upon to do.
Quite often when someone announces a personal challenge they do it in a negative way, rather than sharing it in a way that shines light on the positive aspects of your difficulty. I encourage you to reframe your difficulties in a way that encourages a potential partner instead of discourages them by sharing how you are better, wiser, stronger or more appreciative on account of what you have gone through. For instance, instead of simply saying, “I have five kinds of seizures so I can’t drive,” say, “I have seizures from (whatever it is, epilepsy, a brain tumor, etc) and am unable to drive. I get around well on a bike, which keeps me physically fit and allows me to see the world from a perspective that I would miss entirely if I were in a car. It has allowed me to slow down and notice the beauty around me, and the changes in nature, lighting and the seasons. My disability has caused me to become a better problem solver and to really appreciate life on a daily basis. I am looking for someone who wants to celebrate each day with love.” Go on to share what you can do—depending on what the truth is, it may sound like this, “I am able to take care of myself quite well and my situation is under control with medication.” Then, complete your profile by sharing all your other interests, hobbies and values.
Anytime you have special circumstances, the dating quest is a bit more challenging as it requires finding a very special person who is willing to take on those extra circumstances. However, since your quest is for a very special person anyhow, it is well worth the effort. Just know that it may take more time and energy than it would otherwise and don’t allow yourself to be discouraged. Let your personality shine through in your profile, your emails, phone calls and dates louder and clearer than your disability. Most important, never give up on love!
With Aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
