Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What is the truth?
Love Tip of the Week: The more we don’t accept in ourselves, the more we judge others. As we become accepting and forgiving of ourselves, we are also more adept at forgiving and accepting others
Hi Eve
Why is when you tell a guy about yourself and you are honest with him, he turns and runs the other direction and stops talking to you and does not say, “Well, we could at least be friends”?
Aloha,
Questions like this strike me as funny because you have told me what upset you about what he did, but you conveniently left out what the “truth” was about yourself that apparently upset him.
I could make up stories all day long about what you told him that scared him away. For instance, did you tell him that you have cheated on every guy you’ve ever dated? That might have scared him away. Was the “truth” that you told him you wanted to get married and have babies immediately? That might also have scared him away. My best guess is that you already know what you said that scared him and there was really no need to ask me. The question is, was there really a need to tell him?
We need to become adept at determining when the right timing is for telling someone your life story and whether that story even needs to be told. While we are all taught that “honesty is the best policy” and “the truth shall set you free,” you have to be careful that your freedom isn’t just an opportunity to unload and give your burden to someone else. Sometimes we treat our dates like a confessional expecting forgiveness for things we’ve done when what we really need to be doing is forgiving ourselves for what we have done.
Honesty is definitely important, however, I encourage you to look at what you are calling the “truth” about yourself and determine what your purpose was in sharing it. Were you seeking his approval or forgiveness? If so, I encourage you to come to peace with yourself on this issue (whatever it was) and forgive yourself. Were you offering him a warning about being involved with you? If so, he took it. If you were warning him, this is a perfect place to begin steps toward self-improvement so it will become unnecessary to warn future potential suitors. Was there any value for him in knowing whatever you shared? Were you testing him to see if he could hang with you through the tough stuff? Apparently he could not and now you know.
Sharing “the truth” is tricky, because it often isn’t true! You and I could make up all kinds of stories and think they are the truth. We could decide that he is emotionally unavailable and afraid of commitment and that is why he ran, when in actuality, he realized that he is still in love with his ex-wifem or felt no chemistry with you. We would just be making up our version of the truth. Sometimes “the truth” is really just our own warped perception of a situation.
If truth is to be told, timing can make a difference, especially if the truth is about the past or a behavior that is no longer an issue. Once someone gets to know you now and trusts your integrity, they may be better able to hear about your bad qualities as a teenager ‘cause they can separate the past from their present experience of you. If, however, you tell them how awful you were five years ago before they have a chance to know you now, the only information they have to work with is what you have told them—and that may be scary.
I think your real question is, how do I deal with the pain when who I am is not attractive to someone else?
All of us have “truths” that if told to a potential suitor, would scare them away. As you work on loving and accepting yourself and becoming your own friend, you will be able to handle it better when someone isn’t able to be with you because you won’t take it so personally. You will know that a “rejection” simply means that he wasn’t the right person for you.
With Aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
