Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
What Motivates You to Change?
Love Tip of the Week: When it comes to relationships we need to either love them, or leave them. When we realize that hating them (or resisting them) and staying in the relationship isn’t a viable option, other solutions become obvious.
Dear Eve
My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years. She is a good person and I enjoy her company. My concern is that when she is distracted, she gets forgetful—dangerously so. On four different occasions she has left the stove on in my house. She’ll be cooking and then the phone rings and off she goes forgetting that the stove is on. I have tried just about everything I can think of to make sure it never happens again but I resent having to watch her or worry about whether she is doing something careless. When I’m home I can monitor the situation, but I travel a lot for my work and I’m always concerned that something is going to happen while I’m gone. She feels terrible about it and says it won’t happen again—and then it does. I just don’t know what to do about this, it isn’t something I feel can be compromised on. What do you suggest?
Aloha,
You are right, there are some things that can’t be compromised and this is one of them. Another might be the appropriate care of children, or being careful to lock doors and windows for security. In fact, some of the most challenging aspects of relationships are those issues that compromise safety and simply can’t be done any other way.
When we encounter things we don’t like, we basically have four choices: negotiating for change, resisting what is, accepting what is, or getting out.
It sounds like you have tried negotiating by explaining to her the importance of changing her behavior. The tricky part is that she agrees with you and knows that she has to become more conscious—but so far has not done so.
When we resist what is, we engage in less skilled means of trying to bring about change—nagging, being sarcastic, put downs, etc. These do not work either. When we resort to shame and criticism we unconsciously think they’ll get it and change. Instead, it destroys the love in the relationship—every time.
Your next option is to accept that this is the way she is and it may not be changeable. (Sometimes, physical deficits due to age, illness, hormonal imbalance, etc., come into play so you may want to have a doctor check for anything that may be treatable.) If you decide to stay in the relationship regardless, you may have to continue taking responsibility for things where she falls short. As you accept the situation, other solutions will start to pop into your head—perhaps a checklist she agrees to go through before she leaves the kitchen or house, or you don’t allow her to cook at your house, or she has to call you or someone else before she leaves home, or you find some sort of timer for the stove that has an automatic turnoff. I realize this requires you to get really creative in problem solving, but when you accept that this is the way she is, you will be able to see other solutions. When we resist the things we don’t like, we become blinded to the solutions.
The fourth option you have, if this all proves to me more than you can handle, is to get out of the relationship. If you decide to stay in, recognize that you are accepting the consequences (and responsibilities) of that decision.
I know you were hoping I would have a magic way to change your girlfriend, but unfortunately, sometimes change isn’t possible—whether the other person won’t or can’t. What is always changeable is the way we approach the problem. If you are staying in the relationship, approach the situation in a manner that enhances the love rather than destroying it.
With aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
