Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you represent yourself accurately?
Love Tip of the Week: Feeling confident and beautiful is an inside job, not an outside one Confidence is a very attractive feature, so start assessing all you have to offer.
When in Rome, will he love me?
Couple met online, now they are meeting in person…on the other side of the world
Hi Eve,
I enjoyed your book, “Virtual Foreplay.” Next week, I am meeting a man I have been communicating with for the last year. He lives in Italy. We are meeting in Rome at St. Peter's Square at noon. We have only seen one picture of each other, from about a year ago. I know it is important to feel confident and beautiful, but I can't stop thinking how uncomfortable it will be if he doesn't like me in person. I keep telling myself that he would not have been so open and continued the communication if he didn't find our connection valuable, but at the same time I have this constant nagging feeling asking, what if? Do you have any suggestions on how to boost my self-esteem quickly? Help!
Aloha,
How exciting! While a quick self-esteem boost would be great, even more appropriate at this point is a "realistic expectations" adjustment—for both of you. Going all the way to Rome to meet someone creates immense pressure! I know this is hard after so much anticipation is built up, but if you can go with the simple expectation of having a great European trip and meeting a friend who you have enjoyed connecting with, you will be in much better shape. Hold the romantic aspects in reserve until you see if there really is a spark, for you and for him.
Let me ask you this, was your picture accurate or is there a likelihood that he will feel you misrepresented yourself? If you know that your picture was not accurate, you need to send him a current, accurate picture and tell him the truth before you go. While we’d all like to think the quality of the connection is sufficient, the truth is that without the “spark” of attraction, there will be no romance. There is always a possibility that he won't be interested once you meet, regardless of how good or current your photo was, and you need to not take this personally if it happens. The problem with long term, long distance relationships prior to meeting is that it leaves a lot of room for fantasy to fill in the gaps. It is very difficult for the reality to match the fantasy (like the difference between reading a book and seeing the movie). Hence, if one or the other of you isn't interested, you have to know that it is due to the fantasy being inaccurate, not the person—unless there was deliberate misrepresentation. If you can both breathe and look at each other with fresh eyes that appreciate what is rather than what you were expecting, you will both be better for it.
One of the biggest challenges with a situation like yours is the pressure to make a relationship where there shouldn't be one. Please go slow once you get there and evaluate your real feelings for the person sitting in front of you, rather than falling head over heals with your fantasy of who the man is and what the relationship could be. I know it is hard to take your time with someone whom you've been in an intimate conversation with for a long time, but even a day or two to let your reality catch up with your fantasy will be time well spent.
In your fears, it may have never occurred to you that you may not be interested in him, either. Do you have an exit plan in mind in case that happens? I would hate for you to be in another country with out a "What if..." plan. Strategize before you go on what you will do if one or both of you do not feel any attraction to the other.
On the other hand, I've heard many, many stories of people just like you who knew instantaneously that their online relationship just paved the way for the meeting, and all went well. You have to be prepared, mentally, for both possibilities.
