Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Why Do the People Who Love You Really Love You?
Love Tip of the Week: It is impossible to live up to others’ expectations, so we must live up to our own. Constantly practice self-observation; if you like how you are showing up, enjoy it. If you don’t, change it!
Dear Eve,
I have been divorced now for two years and still feel that I am building myself up after the experience of a bad relationship. All the negative issues that were complained about within that relationship, I need to change before I can seriously consider entering in another relationship. I feel it is an issue of self-esteem. If I feel accomplished in certain areas of my life, for example, more organized, more assertive and more socially accomplished, then I would feel more 'worthy' of having a wonderful man in my life and that the relationship is more likely to work. Aren't I doing the right thing?
Aloha,
Are you doing the right thing? Yes and no. Yes—the more work you do on yourself before you get into a relationship the better, as the higher your self-esteem the better able you will be at making healthy, wise choices. However, you want to be careful not to make your quest for perfection an excuse for not being in relationships. If you wait until you are perfect, until you are organized, more accomplished, more "worthy" you may avoid being in relationships all together. It can become the escape from taking the risk to love again.
Remember, relationships are our CLASSROOM for learning all these things! So, yes, definitely reflect on the past relationship and learn from mistakes made, improve what you can and simultaneously continue loving people and having wisely chosen relationships. Self-improvement is a life-long effort—just like learning. While we wait until we are done with school to get a job, we (hopefully) don't stop learning when we get out of school! While it is great to do some self-improvement before we get into a relationship, the learning never stops. Relationships are the stimulus for amazing amounts of self-awareness, reflection, discovery and growth. There are things you will learn only in the context of relationship—how you get along with others, the feedback you get from others, the way you communicate and solve problems with them.
Life in a cave (or at home alone) is very different than life at work, sharing intimacy with someone and/or raising kids. Both have their value, but my guess is that being in the world, in relationships, and learning, growing and improving simultaneously is the fast track to spirituality—if we are able to stay conscious while we do it!
Here is what I think you may really want to look at: does being organized, assertive and accomplished make you more worthy of a wonderful man/relationship? I invite you to shift into recognizing what really makes you worthy of love and that is being loving. When all else is said and done, love is the only thing we get to take with us and it doesn't come from a clean house. When you shift into recognizing your worthiness aside from what you do, but because of who you are and wake up to that glorious aspect of yourself—the part that simply IS love—your whole perception of worthiness will change.
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't get organized or accomplished or whatever you want, but don't do it for someone else's approval. Can you imagine changing all these things because you think someone else would love you more only to find out that the new way actually bothers your new soul mate? Imagine you work on being thin, only to meet a man who appreciates a shapely figure! Imagine meeting a man whose last girlfriend was so neat that he can’t stand the thought of someone who doesn’t have a tolerance for a little disorganization. Only change what you want to change because it will make you personally happy to do so—and expect a man who sees who you really are and loves that essence!
One publisher I sent a manuscript to said the book was too complex, another said it was too simple, another said it was too personal and another smiled and said it was just right—and published it!
When you feel ready to love again, start dating.
