Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What can you do to bring out the elation in your rELATIONship?
Love Tip of the Week: When you are afraid of losing someone, you can either make them so miserable trying to control them that you drive them away or you can focus on why you want to save the marriage, grow the love between you and give them reasons to stay. The choice is yours.
Wife is Punishing Husband for What her Ex Did. Is she driving him away or making him want to stay?
Hi Eve,
I have been married once and divorced. I had three children in that marriage. I am now married for a second time and think I have made another mistake! I have another baby with the second marriage, and think that my husband may be cheating on me, or he could just be busy. I have very low self-esteem due to my ex cheating and leaving me for another woman. I know I should give my husband the benefit of the doubt, but if he is not with me my mind starts to race. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he acts as if he either doesn't care or he doesn't understand. I have even told him that I am depressed most of the time and he sits there and says nothing! WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS? Please help me!!!!
Aloha,
First of all, from what I can tell from your brief message, you are making another mistake, but it is not your husband that is the problem; the problem is how you are treating your husband. What you are doing is a classic case of punishing your current husband for what your former spouse did. This, my dear, is not fair. If he hasn’t been driven away from the relationship yet there is almost a guarantee he will be if you continue to accuse him and distrust him. Remember the old saying, “Innocent until proven guilty?” Your husband deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s look at this from his side for a minute. I only know what you told me, so I am making assumptions, but let’s just say he is a good guy, married, working hard to provide for his wife and children. He comes home from work and gets the third degree because he wasn’t home right when he said he would be or he gets interviewed on everywhere he’s been, who he’s talked to, etc. On top of that, you complain to him about being depressed. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but since you have a baby with him, it has been at least a year that he has endured these accusations. He looks at you and can’t understand what the problem is. He thinks, “You have a healthy family, a home to live in, food on the table and a husband who is faithful. What am I supposed to do about your depression?” He is baffled and probably at this point a bit depressed, too. Your depression is being caused by stories you are making up in your head that are likely not even true or at the very least so far unfounded. He may not be saying anything because he doesn’t know what to say.
I don’t know how severe your depression is, so if you need to see a doctor, do. But in the meantime, do some serious work on your self-esteem so that you know what it is about you that your husband might actually really love. When you know your worth and value, you’ll be able to believe that your husband is married to you because he wants to be married to you. Now, if you see why he might not want to be married to you, SWITCH! Be self-observant about how you are treating him, what you are thinking and what you are saying and if your words, thoughts and actions are not aligned with the goal of creating a healthy, loving relationship, do something different. It is not too late to save this marriage because, right now, he is still coming home. Don’t focus on what may or may not have happened so far, focus on what you want to create. That is where your power is.
