Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Where does your strength come from?
Love Tip of the Week: Any investment you make in improving your self-esteem, will make returns throughout your whole life in your ability to love, experience joy, make wise decisions and experience happiness.
YO-YO Relationships
Breaking up for the Making Up at its Worst
Hello, Eve
I've been with this guy for over a one year. I’ve dumped him at least 30 times, but he always comes back to me with tears, telling me he loves me, and I always end up taking him back. I don't know if he really loves me, but I'm sure I've never loved him or even liked him. I've never had any feelings for him. It was a mistake that we hooked up. I took him as my boyfriend too soon. I didn't even know him. I did that because I wanted a boyfriend. Back then I was young; I always imagined how cool it was to have a boyfriend.
I just dumped him again last night, and I know he is coming back again, and I will take him back because I appreciate that he always wants to be with me, and he has done something for me. But I don't have any feelings for him, and I don't know what to say to him so that he will finally leave me alone. I'm 100% positive that I have no feelings for him, am not attracted to him at all, so why is it that whenever he talks about his ex-girlfriend or other girls, I get outrageously jealous? I shouldn't be jealous at all if I don't even like him. Eve, could you explain it to me? Thank you.
Aloha,
I am going to be really blunt, but I am only telling you this because you really need to hear it. If you take this to heart, you can change your world.
This situation is about your ego and your self-esteem. When we have low self-esteem, we tend to make poor choices in partners—and we are poor choices as partners. We stay with people we shouldn’t be with because consciously or unconsciously, we think they are the only ones who will date us. We think we are better with the wrong person than alone. We think that having someone else pay attention to us will fill the void we feel inside. However, only love for Self (and I mean that with a capital S for your Spirit-Self—not a small s for your ego-self) is the only thing that can fill this need. When you know who you really are—your Spirit Self, your Divine Self, your most God-like Self—then you know you deserve love and are able to give and receive love.
Your jealousy comes from the reality that you are not in “love,” you are in “ego.” You hang with this guy so that you feel more valuable. You are borrowing any sense of self-esteem from the fact that someone is interested in you. You get jealous when he has other friends or talks about someone else because your sense of value is being threatened. If he likes someone else, what does it say about you? The truth is that it says nothing about you, but your experience is that without him, you don’t add up. If having someone else care about you is your only measure of your value, when you compare yourself to the other women and are afraid that they have him, you no longer rate. Your self-esteem plummets and you are overwhelmed with fear. What to do?
First, let this poor guy off the hook of your yo-yo needs for validation. You are breaking up with him so that you have the validation of him coming back to you. Secondly, make raising your self-esteem your number one priority. Make this your homework project. Research, practice, commit yourself to learning to love yourself without using a man to make you feel valuable. Then, when you enter a relationship and are able to share the love you already have instead of needing someone else to supply it, you’ll find out what healthy relationships are all about.
