Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
Matching with Your Gut Feeling
Intellectual Foreplay Questions of the Week: How much do you need to know before you know you don’t need to know any more?
Love Tip of the Week: You need to meet in person to determine if you are a match, but you don’t need to meet at all to determine that you are not a match.
Hello Eve,
I really could use your help, I have this guy interested in me—that's not the bad part. He seems really nice, but he has a lot of problems: no job, no car, lives with his parents and keeps talking about his ex who broke up with him. He says she has split personalities and that she used to hit him so he really insecure. He has a habit of bringing up questions about how big my breasts are and if I breast-fed my son. He keeps telling how much he cares for me, but we've only been e-mailing each other for a week. I’m trying to be understanding, but his questions concern me. I really have been thinking of a way to tell him I'm not interested, but how do I do it without hurting him? I have hardly been on the computer in three days because he's always on and instant messages me immediately. It’s like he is stalking me and no matter what time I get on he's there—like he's been waiting for me. Please help me!
Hi....
You are very wise to be concerned. He has waved many red flags in his communications with you and there is no benefit in going forward. I recommend that you do not continue communication with this man.
Asking questions about your breasts after a week of e-mailing (or at all, for that matter) is not a “habit” it is a huge red flag demonstrating that a) this man doesn’t know what is appropriate or inappropriate, b) he is obsessive and c) most importantly, he makes you uncomfortable. Being appreciative of breasts is not the issue here—it is the inappropriate questioning and timing of the discussion that is flagging a concern. Not to mention the other issues you mentioned that make it clear he is not your match.
One of the benefits of meeting online is that you have an opportunity to exchange communication in order to determine if you have enough in common, or enough to offer each other, to bother meeting in person. If during that communication you have reservations, or out and out concerns, pay attention! Pay attention both to the signs and to your gut feelings. If it doesn’t feel right to you, don’t proceed. If you feel like he is “stalking” you via email, you can imagine what being in a relationship with him would be like or what might happen after he meets you in person and is actually attracted to you. Let me assure you that telling him now, before you have met in person, will be a lot easier than waiting until after you meet.
As for how to tell him, simply tell him the truth with kindness and respect—something like, "I have a gut feeling that we are not a match. I have promised myself that I would honor my intuition and therefore feel we should not continue communicating. I wish you the best." Or "I am at a point in my life where I have a list of qualities I am looking for in a man and don't think that you and I are a match. Good luck to you." If you feel so inclined to be really honest, you could say, “I am uncomfortable with some of the things you have been asking me and don’t feel comfortable continuing our communication. I hope everything works out for you.”
Try not to do anything to antagonize him, simply be clear and then follow through with your decision. Once you have made your feelings known, do not feel a need to respond or communicate with him further. Block him from your instant messages if need be.
There are millions of people dating online. Some of them are nuts (just like in the face-to-face world), but most of them are good, normal people who want real, lasting relationships. Hold out for the communications that don’t raise a ton of red flags!
With aloha,
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
